• Weezer is your best friend from high school who you lost touch with in college, and when you finally bump into him again after graduation he has somehow become a total ...ing douchebag.

• The Album Leaf gives great head but it otherwise useless in bed.

• The Arcade Fire is the guy you were best friends with before he knew anybody in town, but now that he's super-popular he doesn't even return your phone calls.

• Yo La Tengo are your wealthy, older post-hipster upstairs neighbors who only throw loud parties every once in a while but you don't mind because they usually invite you.

• Venetian Snares is that crackhead on the corner who you secretly love because he screams hilarious insults

• Tortoise is that one really hot professor you had back in college, that you're pretty sure you could've hooked up with (but you're glad you didn't because he's probably boring in bed)

• Godspeed You! Black Emperor is the girl you broke up with after she asked you to act out a rape fantasy with her in bed.

• The Sword is a guy with thick black vintage glasses, a flannel shirt, and an ironic mullet, and yeah he's kind of a douche but he's fun to hang out with so you quietly hope it's just a phase he's going through.

• Radiohead is the girl who was absolutely stunning back in college and you pretend you don't still have a crush on her but every time she comes in to starbucks your heart skips a beat.


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