A TRUE STORY with a latin beat & appologies to the Charlie Daniels Band. Now due for a Benedictine Reprise...


Old Fidel had gone to Hell and it looked like he wasn’t coming back
He was the top banana in La Habana, El Commandante “Grande Mack”
He was in deep doo-doo for some kind of voodoo that he’d started in ‘59
The Big Cigar had gone too far and God had to draw the line

You see God was pissed, ‘cause he’d been dissed… they wouldn’t let him into Cuba
So he made a plan to make them understand, HE was the O. G. P. –( the Original Grand Poobah)
God made the call to his buddy John Paul, who was chillin’ at the Vatican
God said “Yo, Pope, you’re my only hope, so I need you to do what ya can”
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“Mira, Juan Pablo, El Diablo has possessed the poor old slob”
“You’ve got to take control, and save Fidel’s soul, or else find another job”
The Pope liked his crib, so he told a little fib, and said everything would be cool
But when God split, the pope said “Shit, this is gonna take a miracle”

The Pope was no dunce, he knew at once that this was a job for a pro
It would take a strong arm, a little bit of charm, and probably a lot of dough
“Despite all his sneakiness, Castro’s got weakiness, and I know just how he can be lured”
So he went down the hall to make a little call, he said “Put me through to Martha Stewart”
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The Pope said “Martha, baby, I know it sounds crazy, but I need you to lend a hand”
“If I don’t save Castro, It’ll be a disastro, and I’ll have to leave the Vatican”
Martha said “Calm down Papa, and have another grappa, ‘cause I know how to save his soul”
“But you better book a flight, ‘cause you’re leaving tonight, and by the way… ‘habla espanol’? “

“And before you go, I ought to let you know, Martha don’t work for free”
“I’ll need a lot of cash, a little of your holy stash, and don’t forget publicity”
“And one more thing, you better give a ring to your buddies at the pearly gate”
“Make sure I’m expected, and that they’re directed to escort me through without a wait”

“If I get it in writing, I’m ready to start fighting and we’ll get to work right away”
The Pope was in a jam, so he said “Yes Ma’am!” and made a note that night to pray.
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So a plan was hatched how Fidel could be snatched from the land of the damned and the sinners
The Pope would say mass while Martha kissed ass and served up some gourmet dinners
It was a one-two punch that included some lunch and Castro began to give in
He patted his belly as he reached for the jelly and said “Martha, baby, this is livin’! “

“Screw the revolution, it’s time for evolution, I really dig this designer chow”
“Because you’re so stylin’, here’s the keys to my island, can I have another helping now?”
The Pope was enthused when he heard the news but remained just a little bit flummoxed
Martha said “J.P., it’s elementary, the way to men’s hearts is through their stomachs”
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