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Many A Problem
Thu Jul 13, 2006 23:41 (XFF:

Kareen entered her rooms without contempt for the lack of personal furnishings. It was not unlike her own cabin aboard the Wavebreaker. Her cabin had few furnishings for lack of room and it had remained bare of a certain ‘personal touch’, just as this room did. Everything she owned of value to herself was already on her person.

Kareen had fought with herself over and over again about the honor chain that still dangled across her cheek. The first person she had met had flat out told her she would have to remove her honor chain, and being an Aes Sedai, of course, could not lie. But as of yet, Kareen had not even touched it.

It had been a week since she had come to the Tower and had her first embracing lesson. She had not seen Arin since. Kareen enjoyed the comfort of the chain, it was like a barrier between herself and the terror that was Aes Sedai. Though she aspired to be one, she still found many of them to be quite terrifying. At this point she thought she may never get over her silent fear of them.

When she spoke to an Aes Sedai, which was not often, she could barely hide the awe from her features and the nervous twitching from her hands that she forced to stay motionless at her side. The chain was the only thing that saved her from running scared into the hills. It was the confidence she herself did not posses. She may give the semblance of composure and confidence, but she certainly did not always feel it.

While she was still living aboard the Wavebreaker, if she wavered in her confidence, she would be quashed in those first moments. She was forced to act in that fashion if she wished to survive. That nonchalance would certainly come to her with time, but she was growing into a woman and had troubles on her mind that every girl had to face at one point or another. It was hard for Kareen to deal with so much at the same time.

Everything in Kareen’s life was changing, and far too quickly for her liking. Before she had left the Atha’an Miere, she had begun an intense part of her training, as she had been nearing her first Touching of saidar. Just as suddenly as she had been hurled into that training, she had been sent off to Tar Valon. It had been trouble enough making the decision to leave her home. Many a night had been spent arguing with herself about the advantages and disadvantages of becoming Aes Sedai, and there had certainly been plenty of reasons to stay.

The pull had been far to great though, and in the end, her decision had been passed to the higher ranks to gain permission. She burned with a desire to become Aes Sedai. They had far more power over saidar than the Windfinders ever would be able to teach her. She wanted to know everything, she was a sponge and she desired the water that would fill her up, and only the Tower could do it.

Her mind raced in circles from the Tower to the Atha’an Miere and back once more. It continued in this cycle until she wearied of her internal arguments-that-were-not-arguments. She had not been arguing a point, only trying to decide whether she had made the right decisions. Had she? Her face set into a frown at the thought that it had not been the correct decision. If the thought had been solid, Kareen would have ripped it to shreds. As it was, a similar motion was going on in her head. Her face contorted into a snarl and she could only be glad that nobody could see her.

Kareen stomped to her bed and fell down upon it, perhaps a bit harder than was necessary. She regretted the action immediately as she rubbed her bottom, trying to sooth the pain. If anyone had been present, Kareen would never have showed such a vulnerable side of herself, prone to emotion and trouble. Others were always outsiders, even friends, and weaknesses could not be anyone.

Kareen pushed her streaked hair behind her ear, her hand brushing the chain and earrings that could not be missed on her face. She fingered them and she immediately felt that content feeling that always washed over her when she was reminded of their presence, though how she could forget the thing that was constantly dangling against her cheek might surprise some. And the argument in her mind raged on. Should I keep it on, despite the wishes of the Tower? Should I defy that rule, and possibly pay for it?

No matter how hard she argued with herself she could not bring herself to remove it. It was as much a part of her as say, her arm or her leg. How could one remove their leg? She ran her finger along the length of the chain and a small smile graced her features. It gave Kareen so much comfort, and again the decision was made to keep it. At least until her next argument she would start with herself.

Now that her mind was finished bothering with other things it again became aware of the world. Below her she spied the hideous woolen dress that all Novices were forced to wear. It was uncomfortable compared to her loose fitting Sea Folk wear, and certainly wasn’t made for pleasure. She gagged at the drabness of the color as well. It was far too bland for her liking. She was close to putting on the sashes that had graced her form before coming to the Tower. It was at least some color other than the bleak white that was everywhere in the Tower. She could not escape it, and it was all she wanted to do.

So many problems had arisen upon her arrival to the Tower, and she had only been here a week. The worst of her problems was with saidar. After touching it, she had become aware of a desire inside herself to reach out for it once more. It was tantalizing, and always there, ready to be grasped. She could have it if she wished.

Kareen forced herself to deny it. She still blamed herself for the feeling of loss as she let go of saidar. She hated it, could not stand it that the world was so much less bright when she was not holding the Power. It made her sick to her stomach that the world could no longer be seen the same in her own eyes. “And it’s all my fault!” It came out as a hiss, more under her breath than anything, but the forcefulness was not lost to the quit exclamation.

It was the hardest thing Kareen had ever done, to deny the sweet sensations of saidar. She only channeled when she must, and even then it was with reluctance. She knew what awaited when that sweetness left her. Kareen had never known the Power would cause such a problem for her. It did not seem to bother anyone else. All they worried about was the pull of saidar. It seemed she was the only one who had this problem with touching the Source, but at the same time, she could not bring herself to tell anyone of this trouble. She had to deal with this on her own, it was her problem.

She did not know how she would be able to cope with everything she had to deal with. She snarled at her apprehensive thoughts once more, trying to banish them from the mind. If one was to survive in the Tower, they could not be constantly having these thoughts. The sooner she was rid of them, the better off she would be. Though a Novice she may be, she had to blend into the Tower quickly if she wasn’t to break.

Kareen would have to deal with these problems, and quickly, if she was to become Aes Sedai. But could she?

OOC: This is gonna be a little developmental string for Kareen, so sorry, but this ones on her own. ^.^

    • To Fear WeaknessNovice Kareen din Yokiri, Mon Jul 17 15:43
      It was another day in the Tower for Kareen. She had done her chores; easy enough, as an apprentice Windfinder, she had been subject to chores and hard labor as well. What they required at the Tower... more
      • One For the MoneyNovice Kareen din Yokiri, Mon Jul 17 22:47
        Kareen had stayed awake late in the night. There was no sign that she had ever been crying, she had been sure to rid herself of those shameful signs. The Novice lie motionless, with her face looking... more
        • Risky BusinessNovice Kareen din Yokiri, Tue Jul 18 16:43
          Kareen woke to another plain morning in her rooms, the bell tolling the time for her unwilling ears. She had no desire to be up today. Her eyes roamed the now familiar rooms around her. Nothing... more
          • Caught Off GuardTeli Sedai of the Grey Ajah, Sat Jul 22 18:14
            It was getting late in the day. Teli had taken an early dinner, had retired to her quarters, and was about to ready herself for bed, a knock came on her door. Utterly confused as to who would be at... more
            • A Plan Without A PlanNovice Kareen din Yokiri, Sun Jul 23 16:20
              Kareen had been watching the doors to the stables anxiously ever since the groom had left at a run. The other had been working slowly, as if pretending to saddle a horse. She could not see the horse... more
              • Seeing Through The LieTeli Sedai of the Grey Ajah, Sun Sep 17 21:56
                Just what was this young woman up to? Teli could not put her finger on it. It was almost as if the Novice wished that she was caught. One would not attempt to run away if they were planning on... more
                • As I Open and Close My DoorNovice Kareen din Yokiri, Wed Dec 20 09:37
                  Kareen did not see Teli touch the Source, but an innate sense told her that it had just been touched. Kareen suppressed a cringe. Saidar still made her shudder with barely maintained anger. However,... more
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