Lease this WebApp and get rid of the ads.
On Emotional Control
Sun Sep 3, 2006 20:01 (XFF:

Truthfully, at this moment as they watched the landscape of Cairhien pass by the window, she wanted nothing more than to curl in on herself and let the worries of the world fade away. Her mind ran through each of the novice exercises she had learned so many years ago to no avail. Not one of them could take away the hurt that had settled itself as a lump in her chest; they could merely hold her exterior in a semblance of perfect calm while waves raw pain rolled inside. She tried to reach the Void, as she did when she fought with a sword, but it slipped through her fingers as water would. The Void reminded her of her lessons in the art of sword fighting, and that reminded her of Jostayn. She wanted to talk to someone about what had happened, yet at the same time she wanted to keep it to herself. In the end, all she could think was that she should have known better. She was an Aes Sedai and this was the very reason she wasn't supposed to get emotionally involved. Besides, he was an Asha'man. Even if he had felt the same as she, it couldn't have worked. They served two very different causes when it came to the different Towers, causes which would have kept them apart. Perhaps it was really was time to move on with her life.

Why did that sound so much like an excuse?

This internal dialogue, this struggle between what she wanted and what was right, was confusing. What under the Light did she want? She honestly couldn't answer that question, not anymore. She wanted what any woman wanted, at least she had to suppose. She shouldn't have hurt her so much to find out what she had, to find that she had been lied to all these years. Even if it was in the end not so much a lie as a truth left unrevealed. It shouldn't have hurt so much to hurt him. It shouldn't have been so difficult, so unfair. Yet, if the White Tower had taught her anything it was that nothing was ever easy and that life was never fair. Maybe the fate the Wheel had chosen for her was to be alone all her life and leave a string of failed relationships in her wake. Perhaps in its next turning, in a life yet unlived and yet lived many times before, she would find true happiness. That could be the fate of her thread in the Pattern, to only find happiness after a lifetime of could-have-beens.

Again, that sound like an excuse. It was simply a convenient reason to do nothing about this whole bloody situation.

"Is that… the Lorien house, Miss Terrian?" Devin asked innocently, his youthful curiosity drawing Terrian's attention for only a moment as she regarded the manor he was referring to. Her reply was brief, as all her replies to the boys queries had been thus far, delivered in the dull tone of one using strict emotional control to hide the hurt they felt deep inside. She heard Menaihya ask what estate it was, but listened only long enough after that to catch the reply that it was one of House Aramond's before losing herself to her own thoughts. She couldn't function like this. Nor could she avoid the fact that she would have to see Jostayn again. They were staying with him after all; it wasn't as if she could simply refuse to acknowledge his presence for the next few days. Eventually, they would have to talk to each other again. There were still things that needed to be said, after all, issues to be resolved. Terrian couldn't help but think maybe all hope wasn't lost. She needed to believe that so this could all be set from her mind for the night. She hadn't been trained for such situations as this to let her feelings get in the way now.

It never hurt anyone to hold onto hope in the face of hopelessness anyway.

Slowly, the pain that had settled in shrunk a little as Terrian was finally able to set it aside. Along with it her anger at the man who had caused it, her anger at herself, began to fade. Time and distance, maybe that was all she needed. That and the ability to think clearly. Being an Aes Sedai wasn't all it was rumored to be, not by a long shot. At least, that was what she thought as the sedan chair came to a slow stop and lowered back to the ground so they could climb out; something which came as a great relief to the Amadician. She had decided that she preferred horseback, or even carriages, to this method of transport. It was slow and not as comfortable as she had grown used to. Still she made sure to give a quiet word of thanks to the carriers as she smoothed the skirt of her forest green dress over her hips, and she pressed a coin into the head carrier's hand as she checked over Devin. It wasn't a necessary gesture, but one that ensured the man would be eager to be of service however he could in the future. Besides, she had more coin than she could spend in ten years stored in an account with the Tower.

The walk from the point where they arrived to the main entrance was filled with servants moving quickly, attempting to anticipate their guests' needs before they were voiced and perhaps pick up some sliver of information which could be sold to an interested party for a high enough price. Only a fool would allow themselves to grow complacent in Cairhien, where the very walls seemed to have ears. Whatever it was that made him do it, Devin quieted quickly, obviously sensing the shift in attitude. Light, but if this was intimidating to the boy she hated to think of how he'd react if and when he got to see the White Tower. Terrian frowned at that thought. Even if Devin returned to Tar Valon with them, he likely wouldn't be allowed to stay in their care. The Ajah likely wouldn't have liked it, and he would only be a complication considering what Terrian did. And Menaihya… well, the boy had yet to truly warm up to the Aiel woman as Terrian had hoped he would.

Sharing a look with Menaihya, they made their entrance and gained their first look at the members of House Lorien who weren't currently missing or concealing their identities. For a moment, Terrian hesitated, knowing that it was proper to speak first to the High Seat and then to the lower lords and ladies but she didn't know which of those lords present was Shae Lorien. For that matter, she suspected that not all the lords and ladies present were even members of House Lorien. Some were certainly allies or guest who had been invited to curry favor in some manor or another. Her plight was quickly ended when one of the lords came forward to greet them, bowing as was considered proper and introducing himself as Lord Shae, High Seat of House Lorien. Terrian curtsied politely as to an equal, "Terrian Dy'ner Sedai of the Green Ajah, milord. It is a great pleasure to be invited to your home." Menaihya made a similar introduction. Devin bowed a little clumsily and introduced himself in a soft voice with a little coaxing. This process seemed to be repeated endlessly as every noble wished to have their chance to meet the Aes Sedai and try to draw information from them.

It was going to be a very long evening.

OOC: This was just blah. So, that AP work I mentioned consumed my life. If I never have to read about fishing again it will be too soon. Anyway, I'm sorry this took so long to get posted and then proceed to be so blah, but I'm feeling just about how this post must seem. And I'm thinking I know just about exactly how Terrian must feel. There was this issue with some of my friends last year and... Yeah, well I won't bore you with it but the little argument thing between Terrian and Jostayn reminds me of it.

  • On FormalitiesMenaihya Sedai of the Green Ajah, Sun Aug 6 17:53
    “Where is Devin?” “The last time I saw him,” Menaihya said upon answering her friend, “he ran out the back door of the kitchen. He must be in the yards.” They went to fetch him, and indeed, he was in ... more
    • On Emotional Control — Terrian Dy'ner Sedai - Green Ajah, Sun Sep 3 20:01
      • On ConfabulationsMenaihya Sedai of the Green Ajah, Fri Sep 8 11:20
        Menaihya had never much enjoyed dealing with persons of nobility. As she stood alongside her fellow Green sister, nodding her acknowledgement to no fewer than a dozen Cairhienin lords and ladies—and... more
        • On SistersTerrian Dy'ner Sedai, Fri Oct 6 22:25
          It seemed to take only an instant for Terrian to be pulled away from her near-sister by one of the nobles as she watched Menaihya being drawn into conversation by Shae Lorien. Mentally, she cursed,... more
          • On Inexplicable MurdersMenaihya Sedai of the Green Ajah, Sun Oct 8 06:48
            “A toast,” Lord Shae Lorien announced from the head of the table with his goblet—a different one—held high, his mouth wreathed in a dark smile whose implications, Menaihya was sure, only she and her... more
            • On FailureTerrian Dy'ner Sedai, Thu Oct 26 12:32
              "Terrian Sedai, might I be so bold as to inquire about you on a more personal level?" She could sense the anticipation as she resettled herself in her seat, turning to look at the High Seat. He had... more
              • On Mysteries UnsolvedMenaihya Sedai, Fri Oct 27 08:38
                She had witnessed her near-sister Heal on multiple occasions in the past, but even so nothing prevented her now from marveling at the dexterity with which the flows of Spirit were extracted and... more
                • On HealingTerrian Dy'ner Sedai, Fri Oct 27 22:13
                  "What do you think? Do you think he was lying?" The question was all that broke the silence of their return journey, even the young Devin having become subdued. Neither Aes Sedai seemed to have much... more
                  • On TempestsAsha'man Jostayn Roen, Ambassador of Cairhien, Sat Oct 28 07:56
                    The biteme was buzzing incessantly somewhere in the vicinity around his head. Jorallein had left long since, though in truth he could not fathom how long a time had elapsed since even that manservant ... more
                    • On RemembrancesTerrian Dy'ner Sedai, Thu Nov 23 21:19
                      "Terrian," she nearly stopped just from that single utterance of her name. What she thought she heard in his tone was too much though, she couldn't allow that hope to well up inside her again.... more
Click here to receive daily updates