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On Whims
Thu Jan 25, 2007 22:53
67.53.176.183 (XFF: 192.168.1.3)

Say something. She bit her lower lip as the last words were uttered, giving her nothing to do but pray that his response would be favorable. It wasn't the time, not for her at least. As she thought about it more she realized she still had her own emotional hang-ups to deal with; old emotions to be sorted out. Yes, it always came back to Ian. He had been her first love, the man she had been sure she was going to someday marry. As the possibility of whatever it was going to end up being between Jostayn and her became more and more of a reality she realized some part of her and always determined to remain faithful to Ian. Just tonight Eliani had told her Ian still loved her, and Terrian wasn't sure she knew what to feel about that except that the events of today made her realize she was still holding on too. But why? Why hold on to something that was so clearly over? She could only think that it was because they never really had closure. She had fled Amadicia, and even when she had seen him as an Accepted the looming question of what became of them when unanswered. That was the second reason that now wasn't the right time for this; the one she simply could not give voice to. She could only hope Jostayn understood.

"Terrian," She winced slightly, preparing herself for the worst response possible. At least that way any other response to her voicing her concerns over the timing would be pleasant. "Believe me, all I wished to do tonight was to let you know. If you had…" She nodded slightly at his pause, not sure whether this was a good reaction or a bad one, "If you had responded immediately and in my face that you return not of my sentiments – " Which was an absurd idea because of either of them had been fairly obvious about their emotions Terrian knew it had been she, " – I would have understood. I honestly think it would not have made my feelings any less real. Or any less in existence. It points to the fact that I don't want to be as selfish as to expect something… anything, now. I am… I am only so grateful in the fact that my feelings don't go unanswered." She smiled as he spoke, glad that he felt as he did. All things are possible, it seems. Even this which I had not been so bold as to dare to dream. "That in itself would be more – so much more – than what I asked and bargained for."

She had to admit that she felt similarly. Even if he did not return any feeling for her, as she had thought was the case until recently, it would not have changed how she felt either. It simply would have been the beginning of the process of moving on with her life, however painful it might have been. Light, but it was going to be painful just having to wait to see where this would take them. Someday… "Timing. I realize now that my timing could not have been any worse. I apologize for that. Of course we are both in the prime of our duties, and…" He looked up and smiled at her. Had Terrian been standing, she would have needed to sit down because she almost melted like a giddy little girl. Oh, blood and bloody ashes! It wasn't as if she had just been cut off her mother's apron strings! She had been betrothed before, to a man she had loved very deeply at the time, and she could at least show a little control! Not that she could have stopped smiling back at him if she tried. "I won't lie; I hope you will know that you will be in my thoughts. You always know where to find me. My house… It's always open for you whenever you happen to pass this way."

It had been so long since she had felt like this, so completely at peace with everything. She wasn't exactly sure what to make of it because at the same time she felt so giddy she wasn't sure she could ever feel unhappy again. "You make it sound as if I'm leaving immediately," Terrian said after a moment, completely unable to wipe the smile off her face, "It will still be a few days, so don't say your farewells just yet." Yes, they did still have a few days. Just because they had decided that matters along this line had to wait didn't mean they wouldn't be seeing each other from now until she and Menaihya left. Oh… Well there was that matter to deal with. How to break to her near-sister that her schemes had finally worked? "Menaihya is going to be pleased." She murmured into the silence, unsure if she really meant for Jostayn to hear or not. It was stray thought that had managed to escape. Even so, by the look on Jostayn's face she was fairly sure he took her meaning.

A short time passed before the Aes Sedai finally spoke again. "It's gotten late, and I should really be retiring for the night. I'm sure you have plenty of duties to see to which will require you to be well rested in the morning as well." As she rose she realized she was still smiling that grin that seemed to have taken up permanent residence on her face. Light save her; she could help it! Jostayn rose too, "Good night, Jostayn." On a whim, she stepped closer to him and placed a chaste kiss on his cheek, linger perhaps a fraction of a second longer than was truly necessary. "I'll see you in the morning."

When she made it back to the room she, Menaihya, and Devin were sharing her first instinct was to check on the boy when she saw that her near-sister had not returned yet. Oh yes, not a speck of maternal instinct in me. She didn't want to wake him, merely see that he really was asleep, so she was surprised when he stirred and looked up at her. "You're smiling, Miss Terrian." He murmured sleepily.

Terrian was taken aback for a moment, "Well, I'm very happy, Devin." She replied softly, trusting that of all people a child would accept such a simple explanation.

He smiled then too and spoke in that same sleepy voice, "I'm happy you and Mister Jostayn are better."

"What do you mean?" She asked, highly surprised by what she was hearing.

"You were acting funny before, like when mommy and daddy used to fight." He stated with the crystal clarity that only came in childhood. "If you're happy you must be better." With this he rolled over and seemed to fall asleep again, leaving Terrian stunned. From the mouths of babes, as it was said. Sweet, innocent Devin had seen all along what she and Jostayn couldn't.

After dressing for bed, she sat on top of the covers and turned the day's events over in her mind as she waited up for Menaihya. Not that she could have slept anyway, there was too much to think about.

I can't pretend that line hasn't been crossed anymore. Whatever the future may bring, I'm ready to face it. No turning back now.



OOC: Look, I posted quickly too! Amazing! I swear, I think the date should go down as a holiday. :) Anyway, interesting glimpse into Terrian's thoughts at the end there. Personally, I'm not even sure where that came from. One of two things can happen now I suppose. Menaihya can come back and talk to Terrian to wrap up the string, or we could end it here. I was kind of thinking of ending it when I wrote the ending of this post, but I left it a little open, just in case. Either way, the big question is where to next. I believe the next stop was set to be Caemlyn, but I don't have any special plans for there if we want to skip straight to Arad Domon, which I believe was one of Mena's requests. ;)

I like not having class today, I got to write! Hopefully further responses will be equally as quick. Or at least they won't take a month! *crosses fingers*

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