Well, thanks so much for all of the supportive messages! My mother committed suicide, so maybe I feel it is more "acceptable" than others would...

However, I went to the doctor yesterday and talked to him for about half an hour. His assessment was that I am not quote clinically depressed, I am circumstantially depressed. He gave me a bunch of Wellbutrin and I will see if that is tolerable, although perhaps I will start to smoke a lot more marijuana because it really does help my mood. I tend to avoid smoking during the day because I find it gives me a type of ADD, where I don't focus as well on longer articles, but perhaps that is not so important as my mood.

Part of my depression has been because of "staffing". I have had the same caregiver for four years and she has to move on, understandably so. But I find it so critical to have a personality fit when you are working so closely with someone on a daily basis. I find most workers very intrusive, like they expect me to entertain them because their job is so difficult! Some of the people in this field should not be in this field. I am waiting for a helper to come from overseas, from Taiwan, but the Canadian government is screwing around and not issuing work permits. The deal in Canada is as follows: if someone works as a living caregiver for 3660 hours, then they get permanent residence in Canada. This is the only country that really does this, and it is the carrot because Canadians it seems do not want to do any kind of a live-in position. So we have to import workers, but now the Canadian government is making major immigration overalls and delaying work permits/visas. Nine months ago I started this process of replacing my present wonderful caregiver, it was supposed to take six months, and nine months have passed and no end in sight. So much of the work falls on my husband's shoulders, and he is now 65 and having issues of his own like sore knees/hip/shoulders. He also is having some signs of COPD, so he cannot continue to kill himself for me!

So my Dr. said and I quote" you need a younger husband, a toy boy". He also suggested that I start a religion because it provides so many tax write-offs. I really did have a good talk with him and he made me laugh, which was very helpful. He said there was no interaction that he knew of between marijuana and Wellbutrin, but he also warned me that this drug does not work particularly well unless one is clinically depressed, which he did not think I was. I explained to him the whole problem with finding suitable caregiving and he was probably right in targeting that as a major factor in my present state of mind.

So I thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers. I just want caregivers that are competent, but also ones that give me my space. I have a woman on the weekends that drives me nuts, she is so loud and kind of abrasive and I would fire her except that no one wants to work weekends, every weekend, so I have to put up with her and it drives me into despair. It is bad enough not being able to do what you want to do let alone have to deal with obnoxious helpers that you have to pay! I am giving up on the overseas idea I think, am going to put some ads on Kijiji etc. and see if I can find a better fit. I am extremely lucky in Canada having financing from the government so that I can pay a live-in worker, can choose the worker...

I will survive (for now I guess). Like my Dr. said, none of us have guarantees.