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Zeo
LJB Review!
Fri Feb 25, 2011 6:36pm
71.71.214.53

Sheeeee-it I've been busy and so reading all I read took more time than I really thought it would. Anyways.

Here it is:

Testing...

Testing...

1,2,3...

Okay.

So I really don't know where to start this because you don't have any of the usual problems I'd encounter with a newbie and I ain't no pro critic what has a grasp on all the proper terminology fer shit and whatnot.

So that's my disclaimer about that.

I could have done a real cop-out here and picked some mission that you were a part of with any of your numerous characters and only had to read through three or four posts.

That would have been easy.

That would have been done eons ago.

Instead I chose the grand mamba-jamba of them all.

Your Freelance Reploids magnum opus.

The Death of Lumberjack Bob.

17 posts containing your most audacious and sprawling story to date!

I guess what I'm saying here is that you'd best not be slacking either.

OR ELSE... um... y'know. Stuff will happen.

Anyways.

PROS:

-Scope: Holy shit this story covered some ...ing ground. Not only that it made use of a range of characters that damn near everyone would have either forgotten existed or never even heard about. Fortunately I fell somewhere between those characters and understood the grand old references being made.

-LJB: That's right. Bob himself. He has a truly impressive character arc that sees him not so much die as morph into a richer character than he'd ever been before. No longer was the Lumberjack a mere gag character of great strengths and appetites. He could think. Rationalize his primal urges and ponder the deeper mysteries of the world.

I thought that was cool.

-History: I touched on this already but I thought it deserved its own hash mark. You really do tie up so much stuff and dredge up a million and one references to ancient FR history that it takes someone that's had the conversations with the vets and been around a fair piece -a la me- to really get everything going on.

And there might be things I'm missing out on too!

-Mega Man: You do a much better job than anyone else of setting your stuff in the Mega Man world. There are Sniper Joes and robot dragons and all kinds of other details that keep this CD locked firmly in the soil of the MMX franchise.

-Humor: You don't take yourself too seriously and that's great. There are plenty of little geeky nods as well. Centennial Eagle indeed!

CONS:

-Language: I'm no grand master of writing but I know what flows right and what doesn't. Lord knows I sway between the two on a damnably regular basis.

You do the same thing.

I don't know if you're honestly trying to make things go the way they go or if better terminology doesn't occur to you or if you even just get bored of what you're writing and try to push through by main force but there are times when you have some of the clunkiest sentences in the universe!

Por Ejemplo!

Bob watched the remainder of the clean up from the roof of a building overlooking the street. The sirens of Dopplertown Safety and Security patrols were growing louder by the second. Following the emergency lights on top of their vehicles, Bob could see them swarming the battleground like rats.

He had no time to deal with this now. He was in Dopplertown and had successfully completed his mission, although he didn't know if he should contact the Red Eyes and let them know of the betrayal of Carn's people. Bob crossed over to the other side of the roof. He needed to find a quiet area to concentrate so he could locate Dr. Pious.

Several blocks away, he noticed there was a park. He moved back to the other side of the roof for a running start, and then leapt to the next roof, and continued to do so until he was far enough away from Alpha-Red to feel safe enough to move on the street. He covered the distance to a large bronze statue. The statue was of the founder of Dopplertown, Dr. Doppler. He fell into the shadows at the base of the statue, drawing darkness to him like flies to carrion.

It was here that he concentrated, blocking out the ruckus down the street to sort through the minds of the human inhabitants of Dopplertown. He was searching for one mind. Brilliant and old, Dr. Pious was his only hope for reaching Baroness Frost's jungle sanctuary. And he would sit here, laboring through the night until he did find him.


Could be:

Bob watched the clean up from on high. The sirens of the Safety and Security patrols wailed growing louder by the second. From the top of the building the wavering red lights looked like beady eyes and the S&S APCs bloated bodies. The whole scene reminded him of river-rats approaching a fresh corpse.

The undead lumberjack moved away from the ledge. The chaos below didn't matter. He was in Dopplertown and had fulfilled his contract. Now it was time to find a place he could think. Somewhere away from the shrieking sirens and secondary explosions. Once there he could concentrate and find Dr. Pious.

Examining the city, spread out below him like a three-dimensional atlas, revealed a park only blocks away. Checking distances Bob crouched like a runner then jerked across the rooftop faster than any of his comrades would have believed and leapt the void between the buildings in a single bound. Traveling like that it took only seconds to reach the park.

Bob's boots hit the asphalt with a rumble of dull thunder and his newly enhanced body absorbed the impact without so much as a twitch of pain. Above him a massive bronze statue of Dr. Doppler stared worriedly at the skyline of his city. As if he knew suffering had returned to Eden.

It seemed natural to shuffle into the great man's shadow. To draw the darkness to him like a cool sheet on a hot night. Lost in the comfort the shadows provided Bob fell into himself then expanded outward in every direction. Searching every human mind in Dopplertown for the one he needed.

The brilliant and ancient Dr. Pious.

+ I think that flows better and gets the point across while maintaining an economy of words which is always a good thing. I wouldn't comment on it except I've seen you when you're REALLY cooking and I know you're capable of better.


-Boredom: In places you apparently got bored or frustrated with what you were writing and just shoved it out by main force. I like to imagine you can see those places as well. I notice it the most when your prose starts to stutter and your scenes lose their focus.

So yeah.

That's about that.

Anything you want clarification on I'll be happy to provide it.

Cheers,

~Zeo

  • New MissionDemios, Tue Feb 22 11:31am
    Started a new mission. If you want to be included, simply mention you were part of the group that got off the Gryphon. I laid down a few objectives, so feel free to move on those. This is an "enemy"... more
    • Oh my god. Guys. Please. I'm begging you.Kaze, Tue Mar 29 9:35pm
      I just witnessed what passes for "RP" on forums nowadays. Somebody, anybody , post something. I need brain bleach, and this is the only place I know to get good playercharacter-based writing.
      • Where did you go? (nm)LJB, Fri Apr 1 2:42am
        • I see how it is Bob!Zeo, Sat Apr 2 2:07pm
          I fulfill my part of the bargain and now you're just gonna IGNORE it! That review took entire MINUTES to write! I'm mildly cheesed off about you ignoring it!
          • I locate something worth reviewing.
            • Oh snap!Zeo, Sat Apr 9 3:13am
              Well played sir. Well played indeed! Yeah, I think that's a review right there. My output is a bit spotty at the best of times and I rarely manage to finish any of my CDs....
              • I'm no better.LJB, Sat Apr 9 2:16pm
                I haven't written a full CD in years. Hard to think I've been writing for these games since 1996. I say writing like it's still occurring. I haven't written anything serious since 2007. What do you... more
                • Actually....Zeo, Sun Apr 10 2:32am
                  If you go back to the mission where Damien returned and the mutant fast food guys attacked? I'm pretty pleased with how I wrote in that one. I know it's a mission and thus not as keen as a CD but... more
    • LJB Review! — Zeo, Fri Feb 25 6:36pm
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