Anonymous
Re: wiscousin
Thu Dec 19, 2019 15:22
99.224.136.132

David: Are you sure youíre part of the tribe?
Mendel: I donít know what youíre talking about but youíre a funny guy. You should come to Chabad sometime. Weíre close by. Weíre in the neighborhood. Both of you are welcome.
Miranda: Thatís very nice of you Mendel! What a mensch.
Mendel: Youíre welcome.
(Some other people walking by)
Jewish? Jewish? (Winking to David and Miranda) Rolex? Chanel? (Ironically)
David: Itís nice to have met you. Iím late for an appointment with my therapist and heís going to guilt me over it.
Mendel: Therapist? What do you need therapy for? All you need is G-d.
David: (To Miranda) Thatís a Beatles song, right?
Mendel: Take some candles for the Seder at least.
David: Why thank you Mendel! Youíre welcome to come on my podcast sometime.
Mendel: Podcast? Wait a second, youíre the guy on Valencia street, right? I thought I recognized you.
David: Youíre saying Iíve got fans in the orthodox community?
Mendel: Jew Pizza? Thatís the name of your show, right?
David: Not exactly...thatís my website.
Mendel: Yeah, me and some of the boys from Chabad have walked by your show. Iíd love to be on sometime, could help to get the message out about our mission in the mission.
David: Absolutely. Why donít you stop by my place tonight if you want a taste of an alternative seder?
Mendel: Alternative Seder? Sounds dangerous.
Miranda: Heís literally inviting everyone we meet today. This Seder
is going to be bursting at the seams.
David: Sheís just mad itís not Christmas.
Mendel: Christmas, oy. David, I wonít make any promises but maybe Iíll stop by late tonight.
David: Mendel baby, you wonít regret it.

CUT TO INT. Davidís Psychiatristís Office

We only see David on the couch. Doctor Zed is heard offscreen.

David: OK. I get, Iím angry, Iím bitter, I have resentment issues, on top of everything Iím nervous about the Seder story I have to write.
Doctor Zed: Since itís the end of our session, Iíll give you my advice, I want you to get deep rest, meaningful sleep, run twice a week, continue doing crossword puzzles, and keep up with chess club. Anything to focus you and help you to become more mindful of your own emotions.
David: I told you I donít like chess club!
Doctor Zed: Okay, then weíll have a game or two.
David: You always beat me.
Doctor Zed: Itíll be good for both of us.

óDavid checks his watch.

David: Can we to talk about dosages? I think I need something lighter. What are you ďprescribingĒ me this week?
Doctor Zed: Iíve got an extremely light indica strain but Iíve crossbred it with a slightly more perky sativa because Iíve decided you need a little kick in the butt to get you going. I even named it after you. Itís called Recooperate.
David: Iím flattered, really, but still anxious. How was it for you?
Doctor Zed: Itís like putting on a warm coat on a cool winter evening and walking over to your favourite restaurant, biting into the soft pillowy texture of freshly prepared Gnocchi and washing it down with a ripe red wine. Then itís ordering that perfect espresso at the end of a satisfying meal.
David: That was a very elaborate description, did you read that off an ad for an Italian restaurant? Just as long as this wonít make me any crazier than I already feel I am.
Doctor Zed: Youíre not crazy. Youíre as sane as I am.
David: Really? And how sane are you Doctor Zed?
Doctor: Perfectly sane, as aging residents of this neighbourhood go. Trust me, a littleďRecooperation,Ē will do your body good.

Doctor Zed hands David a small baggie of cannabis buds.

David: As long as I keep coming here on a weekly basis, could you at least TRY to act more like a professional therapist, for my benefit?
Doctor Zed: David, Iím a horticulturist, umm, a botanist, some might say Iím a lay homeopathist, but Iím not a licensed therapist. Iíll do my best but youíre welcome to go elsewhere.
David: Oh boy, how much do I owe you for todayís session?
Doctor Zed: That will be 150 dollars, we went ten minutes over but Iíll charge for the hour.
David: 150 bucks? Thatís more expensive than last week.
Doctor Zed: What do you expect, this IS San Francisco...Inflation!

Cut Toó-

Int. Car

David is in the car with Miranda

David: Iím done. I give up.
Miranda: Whatís wrong?
David: Iíve gone from one shrink to another in this town and now Iím just talking to my hippie weed dealer.
Miranda: Doctor Zed is a homeopathist, give him more credit than that. Heís got the hippocratic oath hung above his doorway. ďDo no harm.Ē
David: What good is ďDo no harm,Ē when heís not doing me any good? Hippocratic, heís a hypocrite. Plus heís anti this and anti that. Anti-Vaxx, Anti-fascist, Pro-Bee, Never Trump...his headís full of slogans.
Miranda: This weed smells ...ing good though!
David: Donít swear, the director said this show will never get aired if you do.
Miranda: This show? What are you talking about?

ó-David looks in the rearview mirror at the camera.

David: Nothing, just talking to myself.

Cut To.

Ext. Near Valencia Neighborhood St. - soon after

Miranda and David are closing the doors to the car and taking out their groceries.

Miranda: I know youíre stressed about your therapists but Iíve got something I have to tell you.
David: Okay, is this like a good news bad news surprise? Like it sounds like bad news but itís actually something really good?
Miranda: Well, it depends on how you look at it.
David: Lay it on me.
Miranda: Well, remember when we were on that little break a year and half ago? I hooked up with someone and heís back in town.
David: I thought you told you me about everyone you hooked up with.
Miranda: I left out one.
David: Who is he?
Mirandaís: Heís kind of a celebrity...which is why I couldnít tell you. He specifically asked me not to say anything.
David: Who is it?
Miranda: Heís a musician. A rapper actually.
David: A rapper? And heís not from the Bay?
Miranda: He somehow messaged me because heís friends with Jacob, that old friend of yours from Toronto.
Miranda: Drake? You slept with Drake. Aubrey, I mean.
Miranda: It wasnít Drake. It was MC Milky Tea.
David: MC Milky Tea? You slept with MC Milky Tea? Who the ... is MC Milky Tea?
Miranda: Heís kind of a big deal...in Britain. Heís British. Heís a trap rapper.
David: And why are you telling me this now?
Miranda: Well, you were inviting all these people to our apartment today and I was waiting for you while you were in your therapy appointment and I kindíve invited him to our Seder.
David: Should I be worried? I donít understand why you did that.
Miranda: Heís really sweet and funny. Weíre just friends David. You know I love you. I just thought it might be good for you two to finally meet.
David: Iím going to have to smoke some ďrecooperateĒ beforehand but I guess itíll be fine...hehe...hehe..me and MC Milky Tea.

ó-end scene

David is lying on the couch with a notepad while Miranda is setting the dining room table...

Miranda: Thanks for the help...really appreciate the effort youíre making.
David: Iím working on my Passover story.
Miranda: Anything good?
David: Iím contemplating the letter ďHĒ
Miranda: Uhuh...
David: The lowercase ďHĒ doesnít really do the uppercase justice does it?
Miranda: I guess...what does this have to do with Passover?
David: What if the universe is just a giant burp...? You know, a giant intake of breath followed by a cosmic belch.
Miranda: If God made you in his own image that would probably make sense.
David: Breathing seems pretty essential...I donít see why a higher power wouldnít need to do it?
Not that I believe in G-O-D.
Miranda: Well, I was raised to think that even if you donít believe in Him, he believes in you.
David: Donít make me go on an Atheist rampage, itís not pretty.
Miranda: Atheist, Smatheist, you need to try harder. Dan is probably going to write something really impressive for tonight.
David: What am I chopped liver over here?
Miranda: Try harder David.
David: Easy for you to say...Iím trying...(David starts singing/humming)
Hare Hare Krishna Hare...hare hare..
Miranda just rolls her eyes...

Int.David and Mirandaís place ólater

Miranda: David, weíre out of wine.
David: Really?
Miranda: Yeah. I guess you havenít noticed the shortage since you stopped drinking.
David: I told you Iím sticking to maneshevitz tonight, those three cups are going to brutal though. Yuck.
Miranda: Oops. We donít have Maneschevitz either. Be a dear and go out to get it, wonít you?
David: O...kay.

Cut To óINT Uberólater

David is texting Miranda. CU on his phone. ďGOT THE GOOD STUFF. ON MY WAY HOME.Ē

Davidís Uber driver pulls over to the side of the road.

Uber Driver: We just have to pick up another passenger.
David: (under his breath) I knew I should gone with X.

A man comes running out of a convenience store and hurries into the passenger side of the car.

Uber Driver: Hello Sir! Are you Benjamin?
Benjamin: Yeah, thatís me.
Uber Driver: Okay.

The car pulls away.

Another man comes running out of the convenience store, shouting ďHey, stop that car!Ē

David turns around and looks out of the back of the Uber. He turns back to the new passenger. The new passenger is looking back at him.

David is starting to put two and two together. He is understandably shocked.

Benjamin, the convenience store thief, puts his finger to his lips, and shakes his head.

Uber Driver: Look man, I donít want any trouble. I let you both off here.
David: Both off? Why both off?

Benjamin motions to the driver with some object in a brown paper bag.

Benjamin: Be cool (checks his phone)...Rajeev. Be cool.
Uber: You two are working together?
David: What? Iíve never met this guy before.
Benjamin: Before you say anything else Mr.Backseat I just want you to know that Iím the victim here. Im a victim of racism, ageism, islamophobia, homophobia, agoraphobia and discrimination of various kinds.
David: Agorophobia?
Benjamin: Spacism. Yes! Society imposing that fear of space on me.
David: Driver...Iím in a bit of rush here. Do you mind making my stop first?
Benjamin: Drop this fool off.

The car pulls up to the side of road and David gets out.

David: Anti-Semites.

ó-Cut To INT. David and Mirandaís house.

David opens the door with the bags containing the wine.

He walks into the kitchen where Miranda is cutting vegetables.

Miranda: Everything Okay? You took longer than I expected.
David: Yeah, everythingís fine. I was just delayed by riding in a getaway vehicle.
Miranda: Better get dressed. People arriving soon.

óCut To

David is dressed in a crisp dress shirt. His hair is wet from a recent shower.

He is looking at a Bible...he appears to be reading it intensely. He jots a few notes down in a black notebook.

We cut to what heís reading...itís the division between ďEcclesiastesĒ and ďSong of Solomon.Ē

He then tears a page from the Bible, (only the sound is heardówe
Donít need to show it) makes a small fold, tears a tinier piece and then sprinkles some ďRecooperate,Ē into paper which he is rolling in the shape of a joint.

Miranda (OS): People are starting to arrive.
David: Coming...!

Cut To-Int. Front Dooró

A few of the rappers entourage arrive..all white dudes who resemble a young Slim Shady.

Miranda seems to know all of them. She greets everyone with equal enthusiasm.

Every time one of them enters the apartment David makes an effort to shake hands or even fist bump which are rebuffed by the entourage. He doesnít know which one MC Milky Tea is.

Finally, a middle-aged black man walks through the door. He is balding and has a ragged goatee.

Miranda: Hey!
MCMT: Hey Baby! How you doin?
David: Hi There, Iím David.
MCMT: Yes, you are.
Miranda: How was the flight?
MCMT: Long...and Hard...but we handled it....You know Iím sayin?
David: And you are...?
MCMT: Iím Milky baby.
David: Oh, Youíre Milky Tea?

Miranda makes a face at David.

Cut To Int.Kitchen

Other guests are shuffling in...David and Milky are eating Cheetos from a bowl.

David: I thought you were British.
MCMT: I am.
David: You donít have an accent.
MCMT: I was educated in International Schools, I was a military brat.
David: Ah, I see. How did you get the name Milky Tea?
MCMT: Are you sure you want to know?
David: When Miranda mentioned that you were coming tonight I was picturing you differently....
MCMT: How were you picturing me?
David: I was thinking you were...a Ya....
MCMT: Younger?
David: Yes and hand...
MCMT: Handsome?
David: Ya and a Richa..
MCMT: Richer?
David: Not as B..b..
MCMT: British?
David: B..b..
MCMT: What are you trying to say?
David: Not as black. Sorry. I know thatís racist. I just thought you were one of these wannabe Slimshadyís...because of your name.
MCMT: Thatís Okay. Most of my fans are slimshadies. I know it must be weird having me over since Miranda and I...
David: Yeah. Yeah. Itís fine. Iím cool with it.
MCMT: Weíve been intimate. But to be honest, Iím not as young as I once was and when she told she was late on her period.
David: Late? On her period?
MCMT: I said, Iíd always be there for her. It turns out it was nothing. But it did bring us closer together in a profound way.
David: Okay. Would you excuse me? I just need to recooperate. I just need to recooperate.

ó-Dan Linley enters the party

Cut To

Dan: David Cooper!
David: Dan Linley.
Dan: Blessings be upon you on this festive occasion.
David: A little pretentious but Iíll excuse it this once.
Dan: Iím knowingly pretentious. Itís part of my schtick. Thereís a difference.
David: I donít know where the schtick starts and the schtick ends.
Dan: Itís a fine line, my friend.
David: Itís a line drawn with invisible ink.

Miranda: David, do you mind restocking the ice bucket?
David: If it puts the party on ice.
Miranda: Ice ice baby.
David: Have the boys from Chabad arrived yet?
Miranda: Not yet but Andrea the bike messenger here and thereís Jack and Felicia chatting her up.
Dan Linley: This party is like
the good olí dayís of Solomonís temple.
David: Would you believe this guy?
Miranda: Dan, you and I are honorary Israelites. Itís fine. Pay no attention.
David: This isnít a fashion accessory. Itís 3000 years...
Miranda and Dan (in unison): 3000 years!

The bike messenger Andrea pulls David out of conversation.
Andrea: Hey David...over here!
David: Amen...sorry i have to leave this Semitic circle jerk. Would you excuse me?

óDavid ambles over to Andreaó-Jack and Felicia hover nearby.

Andrea: Hey man!
David: Hey, glad you could make it.
Andrea: I love your friends. There so cool.
David: Friends? What friends? Anyways, Iím just glad you are enjoying yourself.
Andrea: Remember I said I would bring some treats for the party?
David: From your delivery service, right.
Andrea: I work for a ďDeliveryĒ service if you know what I meanÖAnyways, here are the little blushing babies..

Andrea lifts up a tray of delicious, moist peanut butter and chocolate brownies.

David: Thanks for the party favours! Whatís in them?
Andrea: High-Grade hashish. Plus there flowerless!! Whatup?? Right. Passover-Approved!
David: Wonderful. Why donít we put them over in the corner of the kitchen. Okay?
Andrea: You got it!
David announces to the crowd: Brownies! We got brownies! Everybody!!

óeveryone reacts positively

MC Milky Tea: Brownies! Since Iím the only brownie here I might as well partake.

Cut To Int. Dining Room

The seder table is being set people are sitting around the table against the walls.

David: Now that weíre all here, you may be seated.

No one listens.

David: Grab some chair! Everybody.
Dan Linley: May I have your attention please? (Tapping a wine glass). Itís time to begin this beautiful ritual.
Miranda: Apologies in advance for anyone who has any gluten sensitivity. There is a gluten free platter in the kitchen.
David: May the Seder begin.

ó-the lights cut offó-and go on again

David winks at Andrea who is flicking the light.

David: Oh my, do you see that? Wow. Somethings missing...thereís been a theft in this apartment!


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