(As a beforehand note, I had this written up before VM posted, I was just working on the extensive 'concrit' stuff.)
A few comments, here and there.
For one, line breaks between paragraphs are your friends. On the internet, it is much easier to read when there are line breaks between paragraphs, because indents usually do not work. It made it difficult to read your agent profiles and follow your story at times.
That said, I rather like both of your agents. Skeet seems rather interesting, and in a mysterious-but-not-really way, between his temporary time in DIO, his time in the British Army, and whatever led to him not being allowed to use a Neuralyzer. (Is this a noodle incident, or is it going to be developed further in the future, I wonder?) I also wonder how he's able to successfully make a fried breakfast with the accutrements you described.
Why is he only authorized to work in smaller fandoms, however?
With Amelia, on the other hand, she's quite interesting. What sort of flavor of excitable fangirl is she? Does she deflate easily? Or does she manage to power on through sheerly on fangirl energy alone? What happens after it wears off? How will you manage to work with stories that have severe OOCness when she doesn't pay attention to it? Is this something that is going to change throughout the missions? Why or why not? You don't have to answer that right now, but it is something you need to consider if you have not yet.
The amount of LOs (and the variety) are interesting. I trust, going from what you said, these are going to change with time? That will be neat to watch.
Moving on to the story itself, I have a few comments.
How is it that Skeet is bad at navigating HQ? Does that mean he isn't able to not pay attention to wandering around? Getting lost should mean he just reaches where he's going quicker, if he has no idea where he is.
My comment about line breaks after paragraphs earlier still stands. Also, you have some strange spots where the sentence suddenly cuts and begins again on the next line, such as with the mission beep.
“Sorry about that, here, let me help”. He said, as he walked over to his new partner and helped her pick everything up. “I'm Skeet by the way.”
Punctuation goes inside the lines. In this case, you shouldn't have a period, but a comma there instead, and 'He' would not be capitalized. 'He said', 'She said', 'It said'? These are not things that warrant capitalization after a line of dialogue.
“We should have time for a quick tour at least; that’s my room, that’ll be yours, you can put all your stuff in there, and through there is the kitchen and bathroom. “ He announced, indicating the appropriate doors.
Instead, it should be:
“We should have time for a quick tour at least; that’s my room, that’ll be yours, you can put all your stuff in there, and through there is the kitchen and bathroom,“ he announced, indicating the appropriate doors.
This sort of error is peppered through your story.
Skeet had been skimming through the DoI report for their mission fic, wincing occasionally, and had just finished when he became aware of the young girl standing behind him.
Is Amelia really a 'young girl' at sixteen? Remember, word choice and pairing is important. You're painting descriptions with your words here. Does 'young girl' put you, personally, in mind of a sixteen year old? Or does it put you in mind of someone younger? At twenty-five, Skeet is a good nine years older than her, but is he really so old that he'd consider a teenager a 'young girl'?
Also, did she truthfully go 'OMG' in a bit of ostensibly spoken dialogue?
Beyond that, 'ok' should be 'okay' when you use it in writing.
Amelia was now wearing the DMS flash patch (a potted cactus against a dark grey background) on an armband that Skeet had found, watching him search through the drawers built into the console desk.
It is black. If you are going based off of the image on the wiki, that is a vaguely shoddy replacement done by someone who showed up and promptly replaced all the flash patch art he could with things that were done to represent being on actual 'cloth'. So, it's not actually dark grey.
‘Yup, definitely a newbie’ Skeet thought to himself as he selected one for her. “Here, this’ll do for now.” He said, handing her a fairly normal looking kitchen knife. You would do well with some form of punctuation at the end of that thought.
That said, I rather enjoyed it.
You write well- aside from a few errors (but a beta can fix those; even a double glance on your part would be able to, with some of these).
The sense of humor was very, very light, but it was present, if subtle. Overall, it was rather enjoyable as an introduction to your agents.
I am not granting you permission because VM beat me to it.
Congratulations, because you certainly earned it. Please keep in mind that now that you have permission you are not allowed to wander away, and we now fully expect you to continue answering the questions of clueless newbies as you have already been doing a good job, and we are lazy and like it when others answer them (and correctly, to boot).
Hey guys, I'd like to offer myself up for consideration for Permission. The details of my proposed agents are as follows; Name: Skeet Age: 25 Appearance: He stands just over 5’ 8” tall, with dark... more
The aforementioned concrit. JulyFlame,Sun May 6 9:39pm
To address your comments: I will try to keep a better eye on my paragraph breaks. I'm glad you like both of my agents. As for Skeet not being allowed to use a neuralyzer, I'm currently intending on... more
First, congratulations! Your agents sound like a ton of fun, and your writing sample is entertaining, except for a few mechanical issues. VM says July is going to have some detailed concrit for you,... more
Firstly, I'm glad you like my agents. As for the semicolons, I honestly didn't realise I'd used that many. I'll try to keep an eye on them in the future, particularly when it comes to using them... more
Especially the "ambulatory pile" and repeated "concussing". There is one grammar problem: Skeet was so appalling bad at navigating HQ that he would likely starve before finding it unless someone took ... more
Thanks for pointing that out. I doubt very much that I would have spotted that by myself, because I knew what I'd intended to write and so just read that (to the extent that when I first read your... more