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Hieronymus Graubart
"IT'S SAUROMAN!"
Tue Aug 8, 2017 5:31am
2001:a62:c8:1e01:e4ad:cec4:c321:3c1d

My imagination went immediately to a superhero in a dinosaur costume, or being an actual anthropomorphic dinosaur, haunting the mountains until the word world realizes that he is supposed to be Saruman and at Orthanc. Iím not fond of the inflationary spawning of minis at any opportunity, and the mini manifesting at Moria when Gandalf spoke its name at Caradhras is I bit too convenient for my taste. The need to catch the mini (and then watch Sauroman the raptor instead) might have been a reason to follow the fellowship, or to quickly portal there and back again. But then, Dawn and Zeb had more important stuff to do.

The agents trailed after the Fellowship until they came to a stop at a short staircase. The Lady of Light appeared in front of them.
...
"Why did they bring the horse up so many stairs? ... "
Whatís going on here? In the book, the fellowship climbed a long staircase to meet Galadriel and Celeborn. Since I donít remember what was shown in the movie, the fanficís short staircase may actually be accurate to movieverse. But then, I donít know much about horses, and even this might be too many steps. But then, itís not even clear whether The Lady of Light appeared upstairs or downstairs. (Hey, itís the Department of Inaccuracies trying to break through; donít blame me.) Unfortunately, I didnít take notes of a previous occurrence where Dawn appeared to base a comment on her memory of canon rather than on what had been told in the fanfic, and now I donít find it again. Anyway, Iím snickering about the canon expert not actually paying attention to the boring fanfic, but Iím not sure whether Iím supposed to. Zeb wondering what "many stairs" Dawn is talking about might have helped to clarify that this is intentional Ė if it is.

Also, some typos:

The Sue stumbled to her little feet and promptly fell over, tripped by her the giant green dress ...
You need either "her" or "the", but not both.

Zeb hesitated, them gingerly picked her up, unsure if he was supposed to cradle her or hold her at armís length.
"them" should be "then".

The child thought about it, leaning her head against Dawn arm and frowning.
"Dawn" should be "Dawnís".

Overall, this was a fun read. The end of the mission was unexpected but sweet, and I liked Dawn and Zebís pre- and post-mission interactions with the Aviator.

HG

  • Historic releases!Iximaz and Zingenmir, Sat Aug 5 5:33pm
    From the graveyard of stories begun in 2015 comes the last mission of Dawn and Zeb's partnership. And in a new interlude , set several days after the mission, Dawn keeps her promise and brings Zeb to ... more
    • And I finished it.Hardric, Thu Aug 10 2:22pm
      While I'm a big fan of assassinations playing ironically,I find the twist you chose for this mission to be really interesting too. On a more personal note, I also like the way the part before the... more
    • Re: stories (spoilers for mission)doctorlit, Tue Aug 8 4:33pm
      Baby Elf, Ent-queen This mission had a few little details that I really liked. Firstly, you guys did a good job of continuously reminding the reader of the disguises the agents were wearing at any... more
      • When it did down Hieronymus Graubart, Wed Aug 9 4:27am
        What is wrong there? I became slightly confused when I read it, but then I thought it might be a legitimate use of "down" as a verb. HG
      • Very quickly:Zingenmir, Wed Aug 9 12:12am
        The nail polish thing is that Dawn generally wears sparkly nail polish. Almost all the time. The interlude, however, is set shortly after Des got stuck in that suit of cybernetic armor, and she's... more
        • Oh, okay.doctorlit, Wed Aug 9 10:45am
          Sorry, I kind of stopped reading new material at some point a couple years back, trying to plow through archiving all the PPC and OFUs. But it's gotten to the point where I never had time to do much... more
    • "IT'S SAUROMAN!"Hieronymus Graubart, Tue Aug 8 5:31am
    • Just finished reading the missionAnonymous, Mon Aug 7 8:49pm
      And all I caught was a possible missing scene break. You might want to add a scene break before the paragraph starting "Inside the fic, Zeb ran a tongue over his protruding teeth and grimaced." Also, ... more
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