Mirage Fontane
Scary short poem plug
Thu Jan 10, 2019 10:23am
82.79.96.71

I've written my first ever poem in English (I've written poetry before, but English isn't my first language), and honestly, I'm not sure how to feel about it. I'd really appreciate it if someone took a look at it and gave me some feedback. Warnings for a scary atmosphere and implied nasty things, but overall nothing too explicit.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xOeCzMBdDg0gdPAneCrv_sP6qk3oZ5KfAXb5ZiL8k48/edit?usp=sharing

    • o.OHuinesoron, Fri Jan 11 6:11am
      I think you've done a good job on the atmosphere, but the structure seems to have been developing as you wrote. The last 3 verse pairs have the same form: her lines start and end with a 'Father'... more
      • Well, yeah...Mirage Fontane, Fri Jan 11 7:38am
        The structure of the poem is pretty experimental. The accent in 'condemned' was more a rhyme thing, but it probably sounds different in my reading than yours (I learned English from the internet, so... more
        • ... okay, I'm really trying, but...Huinesoron, Fri Jan 11 8:04am
          ... I can't see a rhyme scheme anywhere . What's it supposed to be rhyming with, and is there a consistent rhyme scheme through the poem? hS
          • No, not really.Mirage Fontane, Fri Jan 11 8:32am
            Nothing I could call'consistent', anyway. I was trying to rhyme it with the previous line, hence the extra syllable, but you're right, it doesn't sound good. I was hoping that it would help the flow... more
            • I rewrote it.Mirage Fontane, Fri Jan 11 12:48pm
              I didn't change that much though, just incorporated the father/daughter structure into the first two verses, and scrapped the not-really rhyme scheme. I think it looks a little better now.
              • I like it!Huinesoron, Sun Jan 13 5:20am
                The invocation/response structure really makes it sound like she's almost praying to him (probably helped by the fact that in some churches, 'Father' or 'Heavenly Father' is used in actual prayers).... more
                • Yay!Mirage Fontane, Mon Jan 14 5:05am
                  I'm glad to hear that you liked it - and thank you for the help!
            • One thing I've never been sure of...Huinesoron, Fri Jan 11 11:12am
              ... is how much structure a poem needs to be, y'know, a poem. At one end, you have the Shakespearean, totally formalised version, with so many beats to a line, a precise and unbreakable rhyme scheme, ... more
            • As a general rule:Thoth, Fri Jan 11 10:54am
              Commit, or don't do it at all. Anything else sounds bad.
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