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Dorian Montoir, Teppenpaw
Everything is shattering and it's my mistake
Fri Aug 31, 2018 06:31
116.233.31.180

Dorian was not in Potions. He had been missing since Wednesday night. The disappearance of a classmate might well have been something to spark concern, except that Dorian’s absence might not have been immediately apparent. There was still someone who looked very like him coming in, taking his seat, answering his name in the roll call, and grinding through the day’s tasks. It was a very good copy, physically speaking, with Dorian’s small stature and delicate features, the dark brown bangs which verged on black flopping into his eyes. But it was the eyes where the problem started. The were large, and dark brown, framed by long lashes, but in all other ways they were wrong. They began each lesson by staring more or less through the blackboard, but drifted gradually back, until what they were focussed on was clearly somewhere else entirely. Dorian had often been on the quiet side, easily overlooked by people who did not know him well, but around his friends he was warm, he radiated kindness, he was quick to smile or to sympathise, his face animated by every slight feeling that passed through him. In class, he was usually attentive and interested, even if he had not spoken up a lot since joining the intermediates. And all of that had, overnight, simply gone. The light had been turned out, and now there was just this Dorian shaped thing that appeared to feel nothing.

Or perhaps it was still Dorian, sitting in class, and the issue was that the only feeling right now was despair, which had taken over so completely that it had pushed everything else out. Despair was a fairly good summary of what he was feeling on the inside, and he was fairly sure it was apparent sometimes, when his concentration lapsed. But he also was striving to simply not feel anything at all, or at least not to show it. He had almost kissed Jehan. And Jehan’s reaction had been to run out of the room. Dorian had tried and tried to think of different interpretations of that. After all, he had felt mixed up enough to want to just go, get some space. But the conclusion that he kept coming back to was that Jehan had also realised how he felt and that he despised the idea. Dorian kept replaying Jehan’s last words to him. He wasn’t sure if they had been ‘you choose’ or ‘you chose.’ The two were so similar… But he couldn’t make sense of it either way. And did it really matter what Jehan had meant? He had walked out. That sent a pretty clear message.

He would have gone back to just trying to be Jehan’s friend, to stop all the romantic stuff that Jehan clearly didn’t want from him, except he had no idea how to do that. He had no idea where the dividing line was between friendship and romance. There had always been something special between them, or at least something he thought of as such. He had no idea how he was supposed to interact with Jehan, how he could do so in a way that didn’t display his feelings. He was concerned not only with the fact that Jehan clearly did not want him to feel that way, but that no one else would understand it either. If there was something that Jehan did not want to know about him, it stood to reason he would not receive any sympathy or understanding from anyone else. The only safe option was to totally shut down. To minimise interactions. It wasn’t hard to do, anyway, when he felt so sick that he didn’t want to eat. He skipped meals. He took seats at the back of class. He was just blank. He could smile and nod when people asked if he was ok. And then he just went back to nothingness. Jehan was part of him, and Dorian did not know what being himself looked like if he couldn’t be half of Dorian-and-Jehan.

He had come back to Sonora feeling so sure of himself. So happy and content in who he was. And then he’d had the conversation in MARS with Jehan, where everything had seemed to be going so well, where he had felt like he would never have to hide anything from him again and now… Now all of that was gone. And the worst part was, it had taken his best friend with it. He couldn’t cry over how his heart hurt, or how lost he was or how he just didn’t know what to do because the person he would have gone to over all that was Jehan. In some senses, he supposed he had nothing to lose. He could just try to talk it over with Jehan, because it couldn’t hurt worse that shutting himself off. Except he was scared. And that was another problem… Why was he so scared, so pathetic all of the time? He had high ideals about love. One was supposed to be willing to risk it all. And thus he was falling short of his own standards. Still, he had never figured that ‘all’ might involve putting his closest friendship on the line. Why did he have to stand to lose everything, soulmate and best friend, in one fell swoop?

The universe just hated him. It was the only conclusion he could draw. The universe had forced him to have Matthieu as a brother, and the second he had clawed back some sense of self-worth, some feeling that he might have a place in the world, it had turned everything upside down again by making him realise that it had made his soulmate a boy. At least… he thought Jehan was his soulmate. He fitted every single definition of the idea that Dorian had ever read about, or dreamt of. Except that he might not want him. Dorian was confused on that point. Jehan had been so warm, so affectionate… Sometimes he replayed that moment in his mind, and Vlad didn’t walk in and he was with Jehan and it was wonderful. And sometimes he played it out with Jehan recoiling, a look of horror on his face. After all, he’d walked out… Why would Jehan leave if it wasn’t because he’d worked it out and was repulsed? You soulmate was supposed to want you. So either he was wrong about Jehan being his soulmate - and that led to all kinds of other horrible thoughts, because he definitely wanted something more than friendship with Jehan. He had always believed in true love, that the only person you would really feel for was the one you were meant to be with forever… If he truly loved Jehan (and he believed that he did) that couldn’t be wrong. But if Jehan didn’t want him, did that mean they weren’t soulmates? And if so, then Dorian’s feelings about him were just base desires and were wrong. Or was Dorian’s concept of soulmates all wrong? A soulmate who didn’t love you back didn’t make sense. Did they just not exist? He was sure they did. And he was sure Jehan was his. So why was he stuck with so much hurt and loneliness?

He had no idea what to cling to. All of his beliefs about love were falling apart, and the person who kept him safe and together had walked out on him. Tomorrow was Saturday. The day they usually went to MARS. He doubted Jehan wanted to, but he was already preparing to drop the fact in at dinner that he wasn’t feeling well. Not yet that he felt ill, because that was too early - the medic was too good at quickly fixing them up - but that he felt like he was coming down with something. He wasn’t even sure that was a lie. The first week usually hit him pretty hard anyway, the difference in the timezone just enough to mildly screw him up, the mental effort of switching back to full time academic English, the range of germs from all over the world… He usually came down with something in his first couple of weeks back. And he knew he looked awful. He hadn’t really slept a lot since Wednesday, although he had tried his best to be a quiet little ball of misery, not to toss and turn or (Merlin forbid) cry audibly. Vlad was a light sleeper. And Vlad… Who knew what he thought at this point? But it probably wasn’t good.

When Professor Brooding began to speak, Dorian raised his eyes to where she was, although whether he was looking at her was debatable. He liked her, and he wanted to do her the courtesy of paying attention. His eyes followed her as she spoke, but he was not present or connected the way he had been in her first two lessons. He was just… sort of there. Sort of not. Her opening remarks only increased the distance. Nothing was lovely. He was not having a wonderful time. He was never going to be happy again and he wasn’t sure he could feel any emotional connection to anyone who thought everything was going well. He wasn’t sure he could feel any emotional connection to anyone. He just wanted to crawl under a rock, away from people, because his soulmate didn’t love him.

It seemed they were brewing an antidote to poisons today. He didn’t care. Still, it was something to do. The times when he had things to do were easier. He felt nothing about doing them, but going through the motions was preferable as a distraction from what was going on his own head. And with Potions, that was easier than wandwork. His results in those classes had varied between non-existent and wildly out of control for the last two days. It probably just looked like he couldn’t cope with the step up in difficulty. His pride would have been wounded at being made to look like an idiot, on top of everything else, but there was no room for any further feelings on top of everything else. There was only misery. He took out a bezoar, and began to grind it.

  • Because dying is bad. [III-V]Professor Brooding, Thu Aug 9 20:57
    Mary had spent a lot of time wondering what her first lessons should look like, particularly since she'd not been talking to Tabitha as much recently. The Defense professor had a right to be upset,... more
    • Everything is shattering and it's my mistake — Dorian Montoir, Teppenpaw, Fri Aug 31 06:31
      • A noted change.Professor Mary Brooding, Sat Sep 1 03:41
        Mary was always eager to see her students. Their bright smiling faces-- or their grey, sleepy faces-- always said so much and told their own stories. So when Mary noted one face, one that she had... more
        • DisappearingDorian, Sat Sep 1 05:38
          Objectively, Dorian’s potion was not bad. It would probably get an E, even from a less than generous grader. It would certainly score nothing less than an A unless some kind of mean spirited... more
    • Not for the well-arranged mind, I've been told.Tatiana Vorontsova, Pecari, Wed Aug 15 18:20
      Tatiana could not say she was delighted to have new professors to deal with, but it was nothing to do with the women involved themselves. It was, rather, another consequence of her ongoing... more
      • So if you're mind is well arranged, it's appealing?Ruby Brockert, Teppenpaw, Sun Sep 9 13:28
        Ruby was somewhat excited about being a third year. It sounded so grown up and now she was old enough to go to parties other than Angelique's which was thrilling. Plus, now she got to have class with ... more
    • I'm inclined to agreeKir McLeod, Teppenpaw, Mon Aug 13 09:42
      A new year, a new professor. So far, Professor Brooding seemed… taller than her predecessor. This was not exactly a challenge, as Professor O’Malley had been exceedingly tiny, and so it was not... more
      • Your family is already deadWinston Pierce, Crotalus, Thu Aug 16 19:30
        The problem with the intermediate class was that it was big. It covered three years and all four houses, and the core classes were all still required through CATS. There weren’t a lot of spare seats... more
        • And lovin' itKir, Sat Aug 18 08:52
          As Kir took his seat in Potions, he wasn’t thinking about Zevalyn, for once. He was thinking about a boy instead. Specifically, Jehan Callahan. Last year, he had witnessed him asking Luke Powell out... more
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