Why can't there be both? The issue is people who do not understand where the line is drawn. People who do not understand consent.

If a person decides that they want to take part in an activity that involves them stripping down to their fancy underwear and showing off their body, the important words there are "they want to take part."

Nothing about that is an invitation for someone else to touch them, take advantage of them, assume that sex is desired, etc. In fact, it's an excellent opportunity to strengthen the understanding that one does not equal the other.

The problem comes in anytime a person is not participating because they want to take part. If they are being coerced or forced - that is a problem. And it is not acceptable to initiate any kind of contact as a question. You do not grope someone to discover if they are interested in further groping.

Once you have established a relationship as a context, then you can (again, with the consent of your partner) change some of these operational rules.

Sound difficult? Sound complicated? It's not really. I will say that certainly, some people are better at it than others. Some people are more awkward at it, and some of those people think it better to avoid that awkwardness by just pushing ahead and feigning a misunderstanding of the context.

But at the core of it, the issue isn't some essential contradiction in what people want. Not at all. That is the part that lines up across the board. Consent. The problem is that some people are not willing to participate in a good-faith, constructive manner.

Amadeus