I don't speak that one.
Mon Oct 14, 2013 00:12

It was over in an instant, her demanding questions, but all at once, she knew what she had done. Alexandra had taken all of the trust and hope and everything else good in her empty shell of a life, and she had ruined it. She had been contorted too far, bent out of a healthy shape, and her toxicity was now leaking, damaging Niccolò as well. She had known exactly what her words would do to him before they escaped her lips, but she had said them anyway. Knowingly and willingly, she had hurt him.

”You don’t love me.” He sounded so broken; for once, someone besides herself was shattered to pieces, but it was still her fault. Everything always was her fault. She wanted to correct him, but she did not know how to say the words he wanted to hear, the words that did burn inside her but were trapped there, caged in a whirlwind of perpetual fear and unhealed wounds.

Last time she had said them, it had gone poorly. She had always wondered if she was strong enough to speak her feelings, but after that, she could not help but wonder if the opposite was true. Now she felt nearly entirely convinced. It would have been easier, in a way, to answer honestly and let herself be swept away into fantasy. But she was strong now. She could keep silent. Repression was true strength.

But by that logic, Niccolò was weak, of which the blonde was certainly not convinced. He had always seemed so strong, always pulled together, everything perfect. The Niccolò in her mind was flawless, but here before her was the real man. (Or boy, really; he was just sixteen, and she was only a year his senior, both so young.) He was flawed, hurting, and she made him this way. Alexandra ruined him.

Then she stopped and took a breath. The Lyra let herself forget everything for one blissful, silent moment. A pale hand reached out and touched the face it had earlier struck, tender and longing. Reality crashed upon her again, and it did so all at once, the buzzing of Pearl Street assaulting her eardrums and almost making her cringe as she retracted her hand. She knew she needed to speak, so she tried to pull out her double-ended knife without deepening the stab wounds already dealt to them both. “Niccolò,I-… It’s-… It’s very… complicated.” Right, that was helpful, she accosted herself.

She searched for the right words, but there were not to be found. How could she be strong and honest? It was not a life she knew. She had been prepared to either withstand dishonestly or crumble innocently. They were mutually exclusive items from which she had to choose, and she always seemed to choose wrong.

“Niccolò,” she attempted again, his voice slipping so naturally off of her tongue, some voice in her head whispering to her. Alexandra York. “It’s not a question of if I-… how I feel. What you’re suggesting… It’s wrong. I am already engaged. If things were different…” She paused and swallowed. “Well, there’s no point in pondering.”

Alexandra shifted, turning away but not entirely. “It hardly matters how I feel, all things considered,” she stated audibly, though not in his direction, blue eyes staring at passersby across the way. “So I don’t see why you’re so hung up about it.” She had managed to level her voice, empty and emotionless. It was necessary. She had no choices.

OOC: Sorry for how long this took—things have been crazy here.

  • I was speaking the language of love.Niccolò, Thu Oct 3 18:45
    A startled laugh burst from Niccolò's throat, his knee scraping against the pavement as Alexandra wrenched him forward and off the ground, the neck of his shirt bunched up in her tightened fist,... more
    • I don't speak that one. — Alexandra, Mon Oct 14 00:12
      • Let me teach you.Niccolò, Tue Nov 5 12:34
        He barely withheld his flinch as Alexandra reached towards him once more, but her touch was suddenly tender, the gentle stroke of pale fingers against his stung cheek, and despite himself Niccolò... more
        • Firm hands attached to Alexandra’s shoulders and pulled, and romantic words of poetic standards buzzed in her ears, but she refused to look at their source. After outbursts, she had mustered a bit of ... more
          • You're a terrible student.Niccolò, Wed Nov 6 23:10
            The night had started off terrifying, so promising, and the scent of hope was a little like gasoline; overwhelming and maybe a little foul, but undeniably powerful and clung to the skin, and if a... more
            • I guess I've flunked.Alexandra, Fri Nov 8 17:12
              Niccolò released her, and without realizing it, Alexandra retracted, taking a couple slow steps back as she rubbed the ache out of the shoulder his dominant hand had gripped, the one that hurt more.... more
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