I'm going to try to run through it as efficiently as possible, without rambling. Let's see how it goes.
1) Info-dump - 2 points. Lays out the problem of a dry presentation of facts dragging down the piece for readers who are already familiar with the PPC, and provides a recommendation of working the information in more organically. However, could be clearer about what specifically about this presentation makes it dry and uninteresting.
2) Formatting - 3 points. A simple problem with a simple solution.
3) In-text author's notes - 3 points. The problem is clearly explained, specific examples and specific recommendations provided.
4) Canon knowledge - 1 point. I assume this is a compliment, and the what and why are present if I also assume learning something is why this information is good (perhaps not easy for the author, given the criticism of the info-dump; presumably the difference is that the reader didn't learn anything from the info-dump?). However, there's no discussion of the impact this knowledge has on the reader's experience of the story. This could have been said in response to a blog or Facebook comment.
5) Plot contrivances - 3 points. I'm counting the last two paragraphs under the same heading here, because they seem to work as two examples of the same issue (things being a bit too convenient). They're both clear demonstrations of how things working out too easily for the protagonist makes for a lack of story tension and reader disappointment, and in each case a recommendation is given for improvement.
I am not going to participate in the actual contest portion of this, as I am married to the judge, and that is prize enough for me. I will, however, still be reviewing things and I welcome Neshomeh... more