With you?
Thu Aug 23, 2018 11:44

As Dorian explained why his initial reaction had not been as feared, Jehan realised quite how silly he’d been. Of course Dorian wasn’t like the others. Dorian knew what it was like to be different, to be somewhat rejected by society. Dorian didn’t tend to mention it much, but Jehan should have taken that into account when interpreting Dorian’s reaction. And he was such a lovely person. He could never think ill of anyone without good reason, and Jehan had done him an injustice by thinking that of him.
“I’m sorry,” he said, simply. “I should have thought, should have known you would never feel like that about anyone.”

A feeling of warmth, of affection for Dorian bubbled up as the other boy offered such a simple solution to Jehan’s problems. It was such a nice feeling, to know that you were important enough to someone that they would offer their home to you, just like that. And to know that Dorian’s mama and Émilie wanted Jehan there was something very special, as Jehan knew how much they meant to Dorian, and how important their opinions were to him. The idea of spending another Christmas with Dorian was very appealing, although Jehan couldn’t just leave Victor. Jehan’s parents didn’t particularly celebrate Christmas, not in the proper way. They did all the traditional things – the balls and the meals and the presents – but it was Victor who made Christmas such a special time for Jehan, and Jehan couldn’t just give that up. However, the idea of Dorian’s home also being a home for Jehan was something so valuable, so precious. He was just about to reply to Dorian, to tell the other boy how much his offer meant, when Dorian continued and the topic of Christmas completely lost importance.

“We could belong together.”

Jehan’s breath hitched in his throat as he heard those words, heard them repeat over and over again in his head.

“We could belong together.” “Belong together.” “Together.” “We could belong together.”

“Do you mean it,” came out of his mouth in a rush, unprompted, an instinctive response. It wasn’t even quite phrased as a question, but as a stream of panic and hope and fear and disbelief all wrapped into one because no, surely his ears were deceiving him. He breathed in, not deeply but carefully. He’d made this mistake before, thinking that Dorian wanted more than he actually did, and Jehan didn’t want to leap to any conclusions this time.

But was it really such a leap this time? When Jehan considered some of the looks Dorian had given him, how worried Dorian had been for him, it didn’t seem the biggest stretch of the imagination, although Dorian was naturally caring and tactile with so many people. And the way Dorian had been caressing his arm, those little touches that just made him feel so, so…that just made him feel, what was he to make of them?

He breathed out, a steady, controlled exhale. He could do this. He could take the risk, take the gamble, ask Dorian if he really meant that he wanted more. Jehan didn’t know if that was what he wanted, not quite, not when his brain kept reminding him of the ball fiasco and the wide world and all the options that wide world had, but Dorian was special to him. Dorian was his soulmate, the person who truly understood him, or almost understood him, and Jehan wanted to understand Dorian. He didn’t want any more of this confusion, of this indecision and lack of understanding, the sentences that crossed each other but didn’t have the same intention.

Dorian’s hand almost took his, but let go at the last moment. Resolved to solve this once and for all, Jehan reached out his hand, and gently took up Dorian’s. Raising his eyes to the other boy’s face, he slowly entwined their fingers, not meaning it as a promise or as a suggestion but to show that he was there, he was with Dorian, and that he always would be, no matter what happened. Nothing could be bad whilst they were together, right?

“What do you mean by us belonging together?” he asked, quietly, but sure of himself, sure that he wanted to know, despite the butterflies in his stomach that mingled with a feeling of dread, the feeling of standing on the edge of a cliff not knowing whether he would fly, or whether he would fall. And, despite this, he felt a strange sense of calm wash over him. He’d asked, he’d given voice to the possibility, and whatever happened he wouldn’t have to hide anything from Dorian anymore, be it sadness or joy.

  • "Right, sorry," Dorian nodded, when Jehan told him off for apologising. It was reflexive enough that he didn't even notice the irony of apologising for apologising, or even really that he had done it ... more
    • With you? — Jehan, Thu Aug 23 11:44
      • Goodbye to safe and soundDorian, Fri Aug 24 08:47
        “Of course,” Dorian answered when Jehan asked whether he meant it. And then Jehan seemed to hesitate too, and Dorian trusted that his friend was merely pulling together some important thought and... more
        • We'll be fireproofJehan, Wed Aug 29 06:14
          Dorian’s first response had confirmed that he had meant what he had said, but upon further questioning Dorian had started to look a little embarrassed, and with a strange sort of calmness, the... more
          • Player three joins the partyVladimir Brockert, Wed Aug 29 17:22
            Vlad couldn’t find Ivy. It wasn’t entirely unheard of, their being separated. After all, they were separate people who just happened to have the same parents. But Vlad wanted to hang out with his big ... more
            • White noise in my mind, won't calm downDorian, Thu Aug 30 10:08
              “No, of course not. Bienvenue,” Dorian smiled. Normally he was a terrible liar but certain social niceties were so drilled in that he thought he could have carried them off under any circumstances.... more
              • I've been a foolJehan, Thu Aug 30 14:58
                Jehan didn’t understand. He took back his earlier soliloquy on having finally reached an understanding on what was going on between him and Dorian, because his previous thoughts did not fit in with... more
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