Anssi
And long overdue
Sun Nov 4, 2018 17:03
162.157.213.224

Wiping his eyes had made a damp spot on his sleeve, but he had not yet thought far ahead enough to shuffle his sleeve around his wrist and switch to a dry spot, so he just kept smearing the salty tears around his eyes. This made it look like he was crying more than he actually was. Luckily he was not able to see this for himself, or else he would have felt worse. If looking like he was crying more than he actually was made Kaye decide to forgive him - well then everything would all be a lie again and that would be bad. Bad-er. It was already bad.

Because he was not able to be looking at her in the face right now and had settled on staring down at his own feet instead, watching blurry bits of light shine off his newly metal shoelace, Anssi did not realize what she was doing until suddenly there was another pair of shoes in his vision. At the same time, he felt Kaye touch him, and pull him close, and it was very surprising but also very much relieving. Wiggling his arms free from in between them, he hugged her back. He was not sure that he believed her when she said it was okay, but he did believe that she was not mad (even though how?? was still a big question), which was an okay place to start, so Anssi nodded anyways, trying his best to wish himself into stopping crying so that her shirt wouldn’t get all wet too.

When he finally let go of her, he felt a bit relieved again to realize that he had managed to stop crying. His face was probably still blotchy and weird, especially around his birthmark. It always got blotchy when he was emotional. And it was already weird, so it covered both of the criterias for crying-face. But he had at least stopped crying. “T-thank you for not hating me,” he managed, stuttering a little over the th sound. “Or for not being mad at me.” It was possible to be mad at someone without hating them - he knew that, because he was still very mad at Ruben and lots of other things too, but he did not think he hated him - so it would make sense for it to also be possible to hate someone without being mad at them. Knowing that Kaye was not mad was making a big effect to how he felt right now, and even if she hated him still, he thought he could manage that. He had not been a good friend and she had the right to hate him.

“I just, I can not understand why he would be doing such a wrong thing. And I knew I should be telling you as soon as I came back to school, but also I knew he should be… And more also, maybe I was not wanting to say it at all,” he admitted. This was important for him to admit, even if in a very round-a-bout way. He had never thought that Ruben was Perfect, but his big brother had always been good. For him to do something so anti-good was, it was, it broke the picture of him even more, like a betrayal. He should not feel betrayed, because again Kaye was the one who had the right to feel that way, but he still did. Blue eyes turning up to meet hers, watering but not spilling over, he noticed the expression she wore and apologized for the second time. “Sorry, Kaye, I do not want to make you upset too by talking about this. It just - it felt wrong to keep not talking about this.”

  • It's all shiny and new - Kaye Packman, Fri Oct 12 16:34
    Kaye didn’t know how to handle feeling this sad all of the time. To be fair, the emotion changed around quite a bit. Sometimes, she felt really sad. It was like there was this lump in her throat that ... more
    • And long overdue - Anssi, Sun Nov 4 17:03
      • How about a quick turn around? - Kaye, Tue Nov 6 19:33
        Anssi was the closest thing she had to a sibling. Kaye never wanted a brother or sister. She’d never begged her parents to get another child, never tried to make deals, never really brought home... more
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