Substitute Teacher Ofosu (with cameo by Blair +1)
Super Special Fun Mandatory Class for Students Years 4-7
Sat Aug 12, 2017 00:37

“Sit in pairs. An’ pass some treats ‘round, a beg,” Jeremy instructed, handing a big plate of chocolate-chippers to the nearest student. “Please take.” His usual smile was unusually forced, though the students probably didn’t need to pay too close attention to realize something was off. To be summoned without explanation to a mandatory class being taught by the current Cultural Studies substitute teacher was surely suspicious. Cue the Ghanaian’s desire to bake cookies - he usually only did that on exam days, but he felt they all needed some extra sugar to get through this.

Jeremy had been a substitute teacher for two years when he was hired to cover a maternity leave at Rocky Mountain International. Long enough for the young man to know that teaching was the job for him, but not long enough to prepare him for teaching the... ess-ee-ehks stuff. Ya, he was an adult, etc., but he was 3.8% comfortable with the responsibility of teaching it to teenagers. And he was expected to lead these special classes every week until Midterm?? (Jeremy checked his watch again. Nope, still only October.)

“Today, we gon’ be talking about sss– somethin’ important.” He bailed on saying the word and straightened his red-rimmed glasses. “Consent,” he finally said. That was the IWCE’s recommended starting point, and he spend as much time as he could justify detailing what came down to ‘only a verbal, informed yes means yes and everything else is nope zilch nada’. Alas, this topic was pretty common-sense and wrapped up quickly.

For the next Too Long, Jeremy delivered a stilted explanation of how man parts and lady parts functioned. The reason why it was stilted was because the dark-skinned substitute was focused on avoiding every type of ‘man’ and ‘lady’ terminology possible. There were two students in the class who, from what he understood, didn’t swing either way; non-cisgender identities was something Jeremy only had a vague understanding of, but he was trying his best to make those students comfortable. Even if the result was a roundabout, convoluted speech.

But he had charmed some diagrams from his teaching manual charmed to sketch themselves out in midair as he talked, so that might help the class follow along...


“You’re my substitute, aye?”

Jeremy, who had been using a beam of light from his wand to point at the diagram of the man parts (no) inserting bit (ew) sperm depositor, I guess (see this was why he was having problems), spun around at the slam of the door opening to see a very short brunette at the back of the lecture hall.

“Estelle,” she introduced herself curtly. “Knew this was on the schedule, so I came in. I’ll take it from here. If you don’t mind.” The tone of her voice was sarcastic and made it obvious that this wasn’t optional.

“Yes’m.” She was supposed to be on maternity leave, wasn’t she? Did that mean he should... protest? Confused, Jeremy watched her stomp down the aisle. He sunk into an empty seat in the front row with a muttered, sincere “praise the Lord.” Probably have to chat with the administration later to make sure this was fine by them, but right now, this was very fine by him.

Estelle Blair-West – archaeologist, professor, and mother of two – frowned at the sight of cookies. What was this, kindergarten? The student currently with the plate in their possession was treated to a glare as she passed and confiscated it. She let out a condescending snort as she set the plate on the front desk, but took a cookie anyways. Students didn’t deserve treats in class, but she wasn’t a student, thank you very much. Had also given birth last month, so thank you again, she was gonna eat a cookie.

In about five minutes, Estelle ate the cookie, summed up what Jeremy had attempted, and moved on from his heteronormative view to skim over other ways people might engage each other – emphasizing the ‘might’, personal preference and all. Then it was time for consequences. Hurray! She started with STDs and STIs, because seeing their faces when she waved around (not quite school-approved) visuals was fun, and then took a short detour into magical and mundane contraceptives with the promise that Jeremy would go into more detail in next week’s class (the man looked more worried about this than some of the students present).

Then came the really fun part.

“And the biggest consequence of all, lads,” Estelle began cheerfully. At these words, the invisible house-elf beside her popped into sight with a baby carrier balanced on its head. “You might wind up accidentally spawning.” She picked up tiny, snoozy Dustin and presented him Lion King-style to the room. “For those of you who live under a rock, this is a baby. Mine. Caring for a baby and raising it to be a moderately functioning adult is a big investment of time and effort. Maybe some of you want to make babies one day, but today is probably not that day, since you’re still students and barely functioning adults yourselves. Popping a baby out is hard work and it doesn’t get easier from there.

“But sometimes surprise babies happen,” she continued, rocking Dustin. “Next two months, you’re gonna get all educated on how to prepare for that and adult life in general. First, we’ll... wait.” It looked like the students were sitting wherever they wanted. The first pairing her eyes landed on were the two late transfer students from last year, who she remembered being obvious friends. That wouldn’t do. “Mr. Lawrence,” she snapped, eyes still on the transfers, “slide on over to Mr. Lundqvist. And let’s see, Miss Packman...”

This pattern continued: Estelle singling out unsatisfying groupings and ordering the students to swap seats elsewhere. Thanks to her sharp ear, she had a surprisingly detailed insight on student gossip, though likely a tad outdated since her maternity leave. But, nothing like pairing along wonky (or wonky-ish) lines to liven up the school. Jeremy could thank her later.

Once she was certain that the students would be less than thrilled with their new partners, she wandlessly levitated a cardboard box at the front. It began to drift up the rows. “Every pair, take a doll.” The dolls had blank faces and were enchanted to grow features of their ‘parents’ when touched, plus activate realism charms. (And concealed charms to alert the staff to neglect, because teenagers couldn’t be trusted.) “Congrats, new parents. Use the rest of your class time wisely. Before you leave, Jeremy will set you up with supplies.” At his name, Jeremy went to unpack a second box. It was filled with furniture, toys, diapers, food – all the normal baby gear. Currently shrunken, the miniature supplies would expand to full size when tapped with a wand. The students should wait to do this after they got back to their dorms, but Estelle was hoping some would act too early and be forced to lug a cradle down the hall.

“In conclusion,” Estelle declared, “you’re taking care of your babies for two months and then, I dunno, a paper or something before Midterm. Jeremy’s in charge of that.” For better or worse. “Don’t kill your babies. Or do. Your call. Now, it’s our naptime, so... cheers!”


Jeremy stared at the now-closed door and then turned dark eyes onto the students. “Well... get to it,” he said, trying to pretend he wasn’t apprehensive about this. At least in November, their schedule shifted from ess-ee-ehks to taxes and insurance and budgeting, so he wouldn’t have to deal with more than the odd baby question after that… right? Please?

Re: partners. While I can hardly discourage active coordination of mayhem, please try to avoid ‘tagging’ other authors so that everyone has more freedom here. The only other rule is to pair your students in a way that you think Estelle might. Basically, no best buds together, but otherwise how you interpret that is up to you! Just give us all some chaos, we live off the stuff.
Re: babies. Your students will be responsible for their babies until Midterm IC. That means you can write about their baby in posts outside of this class. What fun! Enjoy!
...And remember, don’t include your house/year in the author box, because that’s too easy.

    • Best dad in the room - Armaan Bansal, Fri Aug 18 23:26
      When news had spread about the mandatory class Armaan’s first intention had been to skip it. He had better things to do than sit around for a lecture he hadn’t even signed up for. But Ethan had... more
      • I couldn't agree more! - Zoey Ludlow, Thu Aug 24 23:33
        "But, look here, Jacob. This line. 'Beneath the moon, a row of small lights, rippling glides.' Don't you think it just fits?" There was a pause as the younger Draco took her copy of Rocky Voices ,... more
    • I can't face it - Myfanwy Owen, Mon Aug 14 14:17
      Taking Cultural Studies had seemed liked a good idea to the most recent transfer student because even though she had grown up in a household that was both magical and Muggle, with one parent each... more
      • Admitting your weakness already? - Rose Farnon, Mon Aug 14 18:43
        Marissa was less than on time to the mandatory Cultural Studies lesson which had left Rose Farnon sitting next to Unpronouncable Welsh Name Owen and pointedly ignoring that fact. She hadn’t spoken to ... more
        • You're the one that dropped it - Myfanwy, Tue Aug 15 14:59
          Rose was her partner for the whole project, which was weird at first, because both teachers had definitely clarified that you needed a man and a woman to make a baby, and their group was almost... more
          • That was surprise, not weakness - Rose, Thu Aug 17 12:57
            “Bottle?” Rose said weakly, in response to the baby crying and Myffi’s somewhat horrified question. “Have we got one of those?” When Dade had been born, Rose had been six years old and therefore old... more
            • SURPRISE! - Myfanwy, Thu Aug 17 15:56
              Rose actually had some good suggestions like maybe she’d been around babies before and knew a bit about what would make them stop crying. A bottle was a good idea, babies had milk, everyone knew... more
              • I won't be got again! - Rose, Sat Aug 19 13:43
                It seemed as though Myffi was more willing to be enterprising about this situation that Rose was, or at the very least was willing to take the opportunity to ditch the crying doll under that... more
                • I'll keep trying - Myffi, Sun Aug 20 16:20
                  The baby seemed to settle with the weird fake formula they had been given (Myfanwy hadn’t seen any ingredients on it so she assumed it was just something specific they had been given to work with... more
                  • No really, that's ok - Rose, Tue Aug 29 10:19
                    ”Is it because your Mum died having a baby?” Rose looked up from the fake baby and stared at Myffi blankly. What did that have to do with anything? Admittedly, childbirth wasn’t the safest process,... more
                    • Well if you're sure - Myffi, Wed Aug 30 08:09
                      Rose said she wanted a career and that made sense, and it was also one of the first three reasons Myfanwy had thought of for a person not wanting a baby. Obviously it was possible to have a career... more
                      • Cross my heart - Rose, Wed Aug 30 09:30
                        Myffi agreed offhandedly to watching the baby when Rose was busy, which the sixth year actually felt mildly guilty about, to her surprise. She suspected that Myffi didn’t understand how much of... more
    • Cradle and all - Kaye Packman, Sun Aug 13 11:36
      Kaye took more classes than people probably expected of her. She took Magizoobotany, Magical Sciences, Spellwork, and Potions. She’d just dropped History of Magic for her beginning work in the... more
      • That's mine - Dardanius Dubois, Sun Aug 13 15:01
        Dardanius was finding it very difficult to take this class seriously. When the guy who was teaching the stuff couldn’t even say the words, the sixth year had to wonder what sort of effect this was... more
        • What's yours? - Kaye, Mon Aug 14 13:19
          People that Kaye would have happily completed this project with: Ruben (duh), Emmett (dude was really sweet and kinda weird and funny, but also would probably do whatever she said, and that was a... more
          • You Know - Dardanius , Mon Aug 14 15:22
            Kaye feigned ignorance at his claim of possession; Danny didn't care. He barely wore it anyway, and since it now held bad associations - firstly because of the sleepover party or, more accurately,... more
            • Know what? - Kaye, Mon Aug 21 15:14
              Danny didn’t argue back about the jacket, which was just annoying. What was the point of wearing this around him if he didn’t care? Ugh, what a waste of her time. She didn’t know why she wanted to... more
              • Nothing, apparently - Danny, Tue Aug 22 15:40
                Kaye was being even more sullen and unhelpful than usual. That was really saying something. Dardanius was starting to believe that she really wasn’t going to do the project, and refuse to put her... more
                • You know nothing - Kaye, Fri Aug 25 14:10
                  The baby had hair. That information was enough to get Marissa to glance over at the tiny thing in front of them. It – she – seemed to be sleeping, which was great news. Most of their classmates... more
                  • Shows what you know - Danny, Fri Aug 25 16:16
                    “What would anyone really need with a smoking jacket?” Danny chuckled in reply, keeping his voice low because the baby thing seemed to stir a little at Kaye’s voice. He didn’t know what to do with it ... more
                    • More than you - Kaye, Sat Aug 26 10:12
                      Danny knew some tiny humans, so that was good. Kaye was very comfortable letting him take over most of the work, then. He would’ve been doing so anyway, because she didn’t care about this, but it... more
                      • So's your face - Danny, Sat Aug 26 16:03
                        There were inevitably some other time commitments they would need to negotiate, like Duelling Club, and Danny didn’t know whether Kaye had any regular extra-curricular activities at school or off... more
    • FML - Emmett Lawrence, Sat Aug 12 11:38
      Emmett had not expected to have a fun time with any sort of project that was so mandatory that people who didn’t even take the class had to do, but as soon as the intentions of the lesson were clear, ... more
      • Already did that, but thanks for offering - Ruben Lundqvist, Sat Aug 12 14:29
        The announcement of a weirdly secretive, mandatory class had been unexpected and unwanted. However, what had happened before this class (literally right before, Ruben reflected as he sauntered down... more
        • She isn't my life - Emmett , Tue Aug 15 15:52
          Emmett rolled his eyes so hard he almost saw his brain. He made certain it was an obvious eye roll, too, because he wanted Ruben to know how dumb and unfunny he was, but Emmett was also dumb and... more
          • No surprise there - Ruben, Wed Aug 16 20:30
            “Just touch her so” blah blah blah, something about names, he didn’t care enough to listen past that point. Fan, that line had a lot of possibilities for a follow-up. Ruben was vaguely tempted to go... more
            • What does that even mean? - Emmett, Sat Aug 19 14:57
              Okay, ew. Ruben was being gross out of nowhere (or not really out of nowhere, because he was gross.) Even Emmett picked up the implication, and while he was glad that the person Ruben alluded to used ... more
    • Pass. - Holland Keene, Sat Aug 12 10:15
      Kids were great. Holland had young cousins and they were all super creative and enthusiastic and quite a lot of fun for grade-schoolers. Holland had fun-colored hair (today was a vivid blue, with... more
      • Same - Camilla Baird, Sat Aug 12 20:35
        Why did she had to attend a class she didn't take? She had dropped the damn class for a reason and the fact that she had to go to a mandatory class did not bode well with the Cetus. Why? Why did she... more
        • If we both don’t care, we might NOT pass - Holland Keene, Sun Aug 13 15:21
          So Holland would be co-parenting with Camilla. They hadn’t had much interaction with the older girl over the last six years, as the consequence of being in different Houses and years. There had been... more
          • The blonde could not give a pineapple over this class. She was sure she would graduate even if she failed it, but Holland seemed to care about it. So, Camilla sighed a bit annoyed by this assignment... more
            • That’s a better attitude - Holland, Thu Aug 17 14:00
              Camilla was being huffy. Well, then, if that was how this project was going to go, so be it. Professor Blair had, Holland noticed, paired all the members of their friendgroup with other people. Ruben ... more
              • We´ll see - Camilla, Sat Aug 19 15:42
                The fact that Camilla would be inconvenienced two mornings in a row was making the blonde annoyed by the minute. How was she supposed to take care of the stupid doll and work out? This meant that she ... more
                • No need to be negative - Holland, Sat Aug 19 23:37
                  Camilla seemed annoyed by the schedule, and Holland had to suppress the urge to remind their partner that one of the points of this assignment was to make the students aware of the consequences of... more
                  • Just being truthful - Camilla , Fri Aug 25 16:51
                    The blonde grabbed the offered schedule and gingerly placed it inside her backpack. Camilla had already seen through it and even when she wasn’t happy about it, there was nothing she could do.... more
    • Literally nothing about this is Super Special Fun - Marissa Kendrick, Sat Aug 12 10:00
      Marissa was mortified. She’d arrived to the mandatory class a little disheveled and nearly late. There had been no time to fix herself back up after her run-in with Ruben on the Pitch. She’d done... more
      • Super Unwanted Bad Stuff, perhaps - Russell Drew, Sat Aug 12 22:23
        Ever since puking up his dinner at the ill-fated Sleepover Party, Russell had been laying low. Very low. He had managed to interact with almost no one, actually, since he’d taken to eating his meals... more
        • “Hi, Marissa.” Oh, no. Oh no, no, no. Marissa was paired with Russell. She was paired with sweet, innocent, kind Russell who showed her really cool new dance moves and was her friend and thought she... more
          • I always prefer to flee - Russell, Mon Aug 14 23:15
            Even flattened across his cheeks, a theoretically stable position, Russell could feel his hands shaking. Bony fingers trembled, the tips rubbing over his eyelids, and it was a good thing that his... more
            • Run away! - Marissa, Sun Aug 20 13:48
              Marissa hated how self-centered she’d been since term started. It probably helped scare Danny off. The group hadn’t been hanging out as much, for which Marissa felt fully to blame, and she definitely ... more
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