Maybe the moon is bluer than you think
Tue Sep 26, 2017 09:30

So Rose thought he might be ‘questioning his gender’ or the way he ‘expressed his gender’. Dade scowled. He didn’t even know what that meant. He had mostly followed along with Holland’s explanation of the gender thing, but Dade wasn’t sure how much he believed it. And he didn’t know how to start applying it to himself. Thinking about gender wasn’t something he’d ever done, because it wasn’t something that made sense to think about. He was a boy, because he was a boy. And thinking that made him feel weird sometimes but everyone felt that way sometimes. It was just a thing that happened. It didn’t mean that he was weird or a trans or a nonbinary. If he were, Dade thought, he’d be a lot more like Holland. He - they were much more expressive and creative and sure of themself than Dade was. He wanted to have cool hair like Holland but he would (probably) never do that himself. Connor would freak out and tell their dad, who would also freak out.

But Holland didn’t say if they thought he was a nonbinary. Or well, if they thought he was nonbinary. It was a weird word and Dade wasn’t sure how exactly to use it. They just said it was up to him. That should have made him feel better, but somehow the second-year actually felt worse for hearing that. It was like Holland was saying he had to make a decision about something and it should have been easy but there was something preventing him from just rejecting the idea outright. And that made him extremely uncomfortable. Why did Rose have to do this to him? How was he supposed to decide?

“I don’t know,” Dade said, crossing his arms defensively. “I don’t know how you’re supposed to tell. Is Rose mad?” he asked. He knew she was mad about him going into her room but he didn’t know if she was mad about - the other thing. Dade didn’t even know why he’d done it. He was just curious, he had thought. It just happened sometimes. And what was the difference between that and playing dress-up anyway? They’d played that sometimes when he was little, and sometimes Rose had put him and Connor in her old clothes, until Connor had gotten old enough to make a fuss about it and their father had stopped them. Dade was admittedly a little old for dress-up but he hadn’t thought too much about it.

And what if Rose was mad? What would that mean? Of his siblings, Dade was pretty sure that Rose was most likely to take his side on any given problem, but he was also pretty sure this was beyond the usual realm of problems that his sister had dealt with. Even Holland said that Rose didn’t know very much about gender. She was friends with Holland, but Holland also wasn’t her little brother. It was different.

  • Once in a blue moon - Holland, Thu Sep 21 16:28
    Dade was quiet for a long time. Holland waited. They would’ve preferred to have this conversation sitting down, but the stacks seemed more private, so that was all right. They read the titles of the... more
    • Maybe the moon is bluer than you think - Dade, Tue Sep 26 09:30
      • Is it made of blue cheese? - Holland, Fri Sep 29 04:00
        Dade was back to looking surly, which Holland supposed shouldn’t surprise them. It seemed to be Rose’s brother’s default attitude. Just like how Rose defaulted to stubbornness, and Connor... more
        • Blue cheese isn't that blue - Dade, Sat Sep 30 15:48
          Well if this was what Rose thought was helpful, Dade didn’t want to see what Rose thought of as unhelpful . The helpful thing would have been to just ignore it and move on (okay, the yelling part had ... more
          • Maybe the moon is Swiss cheese - Holland, Sat Sep 30 19:19
            Holland maintained a practiced composure while Dade got defensive. Ah, shit. Dade might actually be some flavor of gender non-conforming. If he didn’t identify at all with what Holland had said, the... more
            • I don't think the Swiss are smurfs - Dade, Sat Oct 14 15:21
              Nope this was bad. Very bad. Holland kept talking and Dade just felt more and more uncomfortable. He kind of wanted to ask more questions, but he also very much did not want to ask more questions.... more
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