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Wed Dec 7, 2005 20:04 (XFF:

Based on a true story


Once upon a time there lived a garden gnome that sued rabbits. The rabbits had been chewing up turds the whole day long and this didn’t make the garden gnomes successful one bit and they were hopping mad.
“Watch the pudding de’r” rabbit 1 said without a reason.
“Atsui desu ne” a strange, weird, wonderful, small, fat, shameless Japanese man said. Within 2 days the man was shot and his family mourned until summer was over. The next lunar eclipse played a significant role in his death.
“Fat man die?” his daughter asked his overwhelmingly fat great grandmother.
“Yes………what’s your msn address?” the great grandma asked her great grand-daughter.
“” said Grover. Elmo cupped his hands in amazement in was sent into delirium at the sight of his msn address.
“It’s the drugs isn’t it?” asked Grover
“Yes” replied Elmo very quickly. As he replied he snapped his fingers off.
Grover looked at his snapped fingers. “Just like Tim Tams hey?” insisted Grover.
“More like Lauren O’Donnell I’d say we’er ot’re po’r fu’k” Elmo whispered loudly.
“3 French men, they stank” sang Elmo and Grover over and over again. Elmo grasped Grover’s ears with a vice like grip.
Meanwhile back in the garden the garden gnomes broke out into a song and danced. They formed a break dance circle which resulted in horrible carnage, unimaginable torture, intolerable cruelty, and needless to say sex. 3 psychological meltdowns were recorded and those 3 people remained idiots for the rest of their lives.
“Loneliness……” asked Lydia without the shitouce look on her face.
“We broke dance. See broke is the past tense for break so I have to say we broke dance.” Replied Scout hoarsely. Before scout could finish her sentence Lydia persisted to hack at her torso with an axe until it eventually just fell off.
“Why with all the hacking?” Dr. Zoidberg asked. At the drop of a hat Lydia dropped the axe onto the floor and wedded the prime minister. He’s a saucy minx.
Now back to the garden gnome story ey? There once was a really really fat lady and she was so fat that she would eat half a cookie and have marathons around herself. She went to town once and everyone made fun of her because of her hair. Dispirited at the lack of payouts towards her obesity she marched in steps of three back home to the tune of Shannon Noll’s latest song. Dispirited at the lack of Shannon Noll’s singing she died. And being further dispirited at the gay food in her fridge she eventually gave it all away and ate it the pantry 7 times over and 8 packets of tim tams. When she went to the television room she found another 3 fridges full of food and 7 people unconsciuous on the floor? She rolled over the top of them for years and years upon end until they were as flat as a rollup and as tasty as once too. The seven people she rolled over were Hitler, Dopey, Sleepy, Pulley, ...ey, ...y, and Bashful. No back to the real story…………………….There once was a really quite girl with freckles where it counts and she really loved to play cricket. She was really really good at it except for one problem? She had no torso. If had been hacked off the week before.
“Mummy I’m having boy troubles” pleaded Barbara who is in fact a chick.
“Well well well, look who’s come back for some taco’s”? replied her overly sarcastic father. For you see Barbara called her father mother and she had no mother because her mother was lactose intolerant…….and her body was cremated and stuffed inside a medicine ball.
“You see mummy, my hair is falling out and I can’t get it back in”. Now the father was never one to simply back off so he gently yelled “Go and see your fatter balder father! Now!?”
“...” replied Aunt Helga
“...” answered Olga. She had Greek hair and Greek style didgeridoos in her hair.
I see girls…..ones without panties, ones without arses, ones without cigarette butts in their mouths and ones without the letter L’s on their forehead or on their cars.
So in the end the rabbits sued the hell out of the garden gnomes. Watch ‘Eat Carpet’ for further weirdness and ‘loneliness’ and get msn for some worthwhile conversations.
When the garden gnomes lost their court case the peasants rejoiced. No I mean literally the peasants rejoiced. Turkey’s and Turkey slaps were the order of the night on that particular night (don’t try them at home)
Rabbit 1 slapped Rabbit 84 so hard in the face that his cheek fell off. “84 – 1 = 83” pointed out Rabbit 83. “Your correct” answered Rabbit 1 whilst dying.
“Now see here hear here you have to answer all my questions everytime I say” squeezed out Dupe.
“Yes ok bring the motherf…….” Surene Dupele
“Ok Now see here hear here how would you describe you lovelife?”
“SCANDALUS!” omg brb” Surene Dupele further added on
“Now see here hear eat here if you had an autobiography written about you what would it be called?
“SCANDALUS! Omg lmao” Surene Dupele unimportantly added on.
Dopey and ...ey can out break dancing and thinking up finales.
“hi HO hi HO hi HOO, hi HO, its off to kill, the fat shameless asian lady we go”. And it was only the two of them that survived. The other 5 dumb evil ...s were dead.
Is the word jornk an errorous word on Microsoft Word?” asked the shameless fat asian woman?
“Well obviously you fiercely fat WOMAN!, CAN’T YOU READ THE ABOVE ENTENCE….YOUR BODILY STATURE….IT BOGGLES THE FRIKIN MIND!!!” replied a sweet little innocent baby with teethmarks on his nose and both ears bitten off. The Fat shameless fat asian woman was not dispirited by the babies comments, as of course she was shameless, sadistic, sarcastic, and arrogant…….Harry Todd. Yer why not let’s involve Harry Todd.
Harry Todd and the shameless fat asian woman who happened to be very disgustingly sexy, both sat stoned and stony faced and tuning rabbits….no I mean literally tuning rabbits they thought the rabbits were guitars.
“This is ...**” ridiculous” Rabbit 1 arrogantly pointed out.
“84 – 1 = 83” Rabbit 3 ridiculously pointed out.
“He’s right” Rabbit 83 pointed out.

* * *
It’s an interval…that means an interval.

“SCANDAL’US lmao omg lol” Surele Dupele ficiously answered.
“Please Mr. Dupele your making a scene in front of these garden gnomes and rabbits being tuned…and by tuned I mean literally...people thought they were guitars” said somebody….anybody?
The End…Elmo said whilst jawing with some Negroes. The Negroes took offence to this Christian-like behaviour from Elmo and they gave him an ultimatum.
“Either sue us or die” The Negroes chanted to a Rumba Beat.
“Rumba Rumba ayeba ayeba” The latinos tuned
“Well, its back to court for ol’ Elmo….Elmo sighed”. Elmo Sighed with a capital S.
A lady with no face stepped up as a surprise witness. She had no face, HENCE! she couldn’t talk. And because she couldn’t talk, HENCE, she was ordered to sit in a ballpit with 2-20 year olds for the rest of her life. Now that my friends is the ultimate punishment. “Elmo would much more prefer to go back to Sesame Street than go in a ballpit” Elmo injudiciously screamed to himself. His scream measured 9.2 on the richter scale….65 light years away!!!
Grover, Elmo’s forgotten friend, forgot himself. When he remembered himself he broke out into a song. He wrote it for Elmo
Grover screamed at the top of Elmo’s voice:
Hey there you with a shit….face
Comon’ to my place…and ill kick your arse.
Well! Good riddance those two are back together” Said the fat shameless asian women who was purving on both Elmo and Grover with a telescope.
“Pervert” they both yelled out whilst doing a counter-perve on the fat shameless asian woman.
The fat asian woman was suffering from constipation so she drank camilica tea til it came out of her ears. All of a sudden there was a huge explosion from her arse that took out one of elmos eyes. Grover immediately nicknamed him Cyclops.
Being discouraged at the thought of having only one eye. Elmo decided to do a documentary on a group of dagos…..dogs. These dogs aren’t your everyday group of dogs. This group of dogs has like 50 dogs in it and all they do is going around peoples lawns and pissing on everything in sight. Oh and Scout was in the group of dogs too. They camp out on the lawn until they’re sourgrass is odourising the lawn. “It’s disgusting” chipped in Nellie the elephant. Wishbone was in it and Lassie too.
Eventually the garden gnomes sued this group of dogs. Because the group of dogs urinated all over the garden gnomes. What a court battle it was…Elmo was the dogs’ lawyer.
In the end the dogs were handed a severe punishment. Everytime they were seen ‘going to the toilet’ everyone in the whole world would have to kick them up the arse really ferociously hard…except for Scout she went to the ballpit for life. The fat asian woman then got some stray dogs chopped them up and then sold them in her dim sims.
Everytime you bit into them they would bark and piss would come out of them and hit a lamppost.
“Ian Thorpe says the taste is fully sick” As Ian Thorpe bit into one of her fat dim sims. We disagree encouraged the garden gnomes we will sue you. The Garden gnomes lots their 48th consecutive court case and were sent to the ballpit. And got set free on bail. They had to pay $4 bail.
This is a snippet from the new television show Oz
Prisoner No. 4JG-49F ‘Elmo’. Convicted 34th January 2004 95 murders in the 1st degree, rape, arson in the second degree, bitchslapping, tuning rabbits, assault with a deadly weapon, 45 murders in the 2nd degree. Sentence: Life….up for parole in 2 minutes. Parole was granted to Elmo after 2 minutes. After that he was a free man.
“I didn’t even do any of them, they only blame me for everything because I have one eye.” He angrily *****”.
Grover and ‘Cyclops’ (Elmo) you know his nickname his Cyclops now because of that accident he had.
Well they were both in the shower nude. Elmo deliberately dropped the soap and got into some hot action. Some of the garden gnomes watched in awe.
“Mighty fine if you ask me?”. Said the shameless fat ugly ferociously fat old woman whos msn address was “Better than anything you see on the internet.
“Go away all you perverts” Grover and Elmo whispered so quietly that nobody even saw there mouths move. “Can’t you see we’re trying to make love here….it’s dangerous”
“Your unprotected” Rabbit 3 impolitely exclaimed.
“That’s it your gonna die you ...** rabbit”. Everyone that ever existed said at once.
Rabbit 3 hung himself because everyone wanted to bash him. He decapitated himself accidently when he fell of a tree with a knife in his hand and when he was in mid-air waving his hands around he cut off his head. Ryan off the O.C. looked over at the carcus in awe. “That is a sight for sore eyes”. Apparently whilst Rabbit 3 died his fingers snapped off like TIM Tams.
Ryan died because he ate the Tim Tams.
Josh Kealey and Minh Quack’em were playing hockey one day. Josh decided to tee a ball off Minh’s arse. Minh agreed at first and needlessly added om “foo’etr’...’” I think he means trunk. Josh hit the ball off Minh’s arse but instead of having a ‘side to side’ swing he had a ‘up to down’ swing. The hockey stick was 94/97ths lodged up his arse which led to further boning, pain, im a gypsie, agony, looking good, pain, and dropping the soap.
“Twist some moves” “Yer oritre” Scout and Zoe hacked away at an axe.
Mr Ince was a nerd at school. Killed his dad, shot Eminem, bathed during street parades on the street, and broke his balls. He was born when his Mom was stuck half way up a chimney, a lunar eclipse was happening, and 2 non consecutive pluvas were going down the chimney to swoop the mum. Unfortunately one of the pluvas went too far in the mom’s moot and it sent the pluva and Mr Ince back into the Mom’s womb. Mr Ince and the pluva had MSN conversations in the womb. When the Mum later dryed to dake a shit she found she couldn’t because her arsehole became to small for poo to pass through so it just had to stay there. If you saw her arsehole you would have gasped. A movie company reviewed her arsehole and they gave the arsehole only 2/10 stars because it lacked depth.
Elmo, who became motivated in what Hitler had done for the world, decided to bring Hitler back to life. Hitler and his loyal Nazi’s died again after Elmo brought them back to life. This inspired Elmo to create his own Holocaust. Elmo sent to the slaughter all the characters off his beloved Sesame Street. This included the vegetables in the “Healthy food tastes so good” song, The Oinker sisters, Kermit the Frog, Scout with an axe stuck in her torso, Gordon the big man, Oscar the grouch who was quoted as saying at his death “Scram………Holy F**k”. And of course Big Bird. They were sent to be slaughtered in the ballpit. Kindergarten kids were forced to watch all these slaughterings so that it could desensitise them.
“What a ...en way to desensitise them” Barbara the girl with boy troubles choked.
Elmo decided that the love life between himself and the garden gnomes wasn’t up to scratch, so he decided to use a condom. “Elmo no like condoms” Grover said.
“My friends are all dead” said Elmo. He meant his Sesame Street friends.
“...ed” said the rabbits
“...s” said the gnomes. And indeed both the rabbits and the gnomes did that.
“...!” I said.
A man with an ugly face, small rack, big hair, and dimwitted eyes, had a norts and crosses match with Scout. Scout won by default. The ugly man started patting Scout on the head where she has a hole in her head, This hole has access to her brain. “Yum” he ate the brain. Scout Died. R.I.P.
There once was a cat who played downball all the time. There was a controversial liner decision….
“Furiosity killed the cat” Rabbit 3 needlessly and voluptuously pointed out. This statement was infact true.
“Furiosity killed the cat, Furiosity killed the cat, Furiosity killed the cat” Everyone chanted including the bad mouth older ladies. Ian Thorpe was starting his own chant.
“Ian Thorpe says the taste is fully sick” he chanted out loud to himself. But because no one else started his chant he poured honey down his cleavage and just left it there, no really I mean left it there for the rest of his life, he swan in it.
The fat lady which used to roll over everybody in her lounge. She rolled over the likes of Hitler, Dopey, Sleepy, Pulley, ...ey, ...y, and Bashful. Well she came back to life, not that she was ever dead. She came back to Earth a changed woman, she wanted to change the world and herself. She was now more shameless than ever, and fat, and sick minded. She decided to wipe out world hunger, so she let all the starving people in Africa eat off her flesh, but she only lost 1/49 of her weight this way so she decided to roll over all the starving people in Africa, thus ending world hunger. After that she turned her fat attention to the evil people of the world. Elmo, Hitler, Mussolini, Dopey, ...ey, ...y, and Nutty McShithead all came to mind, but then an outrageous thought hit her in the vagina. “Elmo and Grover are wildly, how can Elmo be evil?” She asked an innocent bystander. The innocent bystander stood there dumbfounded for the next 9 years before centrelink wanted to build a highway where he was standing.
After that ugly confrontation with the innocent bystander she rolled over all the evil people on her shortlist, including the garden gnomes, except Elmo. She later rolled over herself realising she herself was infact evil. She forgot to roll over George Bush who deals ecstasy to farmers who man handle penises particularly well.
Scout sniffed one day and someone jammed their large toe up her nostril. She inhaled it, cracked a joke and collapsed in disgust.
Ernie and his rubber duckie (...y) wanted in on Elmo’s and Grovers love fest. They didn’t let Ernie or his rubber duckie in so he took himself to the ballpit to ‘desensitize’ some kindergarten children. And tune rabbits, and by tuning rabbits I mean kissing the kindergarten kids they thought they were guitars.
The really shamelessly fat Asian woman who had a bizarre MSN address decided th

  • Peter Burns