Passover Story (part 3)
Fri Mar 26, 2021 20:26

Now we come to the part in our story where the Ten Commandments are handed down but we’re being careful not to tell you too much about what happens afterward... When it comes to Passover the line between Exodus and Leviticus is very thin like the line between a Levine and an Epstein. After wandering around Brooklyn with no decent Chinese restaurants in sight for forty years the future Israelites wandered into the wilderness of Vermont. The Green Mountain State was a perfect setting for Schmoses’ next revelation. It’s said that every ecstatic religious experience takes place on a similarly high geographic plane and every prophet needs a hilltop. Schmoses was no exception. He sought out a place called Music Mountain where they said you could hear the heavenly strings play as if they were cicada trills between the pastures, thickets, and forests. Funny thing is, the Yids brought the weather with them to Vermont. For forty years a heavy cloud had hung over them literally and figuratively. That’s why they couldn’t travel very far. Every time it looked like it was going to storm they decided it was a sign that they should unhitch their wagons and pitch their tents.

There were many unusual features surrounding the clouds and stormy activity. Some people say they saw strange shapes and patterns in the electric atmosphere. During these periods when the tribes camped out they would host massive bonfire celebrations which helped to create a sense of cohesiveness, community and pyromania among the assemblage. The sparks of the fire rose up and danced in the wind, like G-d was hammering hot metal with a invisible anvil, hardening it, shaping it and removing all its impurities. Little flames ascended into the air from the brushwood and merged with the sight of thunderous discharges creating what appeared to be a crazy matrix of energy up there in the alighted sky.
The caravans eventually settled at the base of Music Mountain amidst the rolling hills and furry peaks of Southern Vermont. Schmoses gave a sigh, knowing inwardly that they had arrived ‘at the place,’ and Aaron gave an ‘Ay,’ in acknowledgement of the shared understanding that passed between them. Since Schmoses’ people had been essentially lost for decades, it seemed, those that had been in the prime of their lives after leaving New York, were now considered Elders. There was exactly seventy of them now, more than enough to fill a steamy Russian banya, who met with Schmoses at the bottom of the hilly terrain. Note: Seventy elders plus Schmoses plus you-know-who makes seventy-two. The elders were hot and slightly annoyed. Apparently, the root of the word ‘kvetch,’ comes from all the complaining that the Hebrews engaged in during their meandering excursions in Brooklyn. They were hot under the collar at this particular moment.

—Friends, Relatives, Countrymen, lend me your ears, Schmoses intoned grandiloquently.

A few of the elders began to make baseball signals, unconsciously tugging on those pliable fleshy protuberances attached their faces.

—Gentleman, we must get high. The sooner, the better. I suggest we consider getting high immediately. Prepare for a a half-day’s journey up the mountain, Schmoses said, with a fiery look of determination in his eyes.
—But Schmoses, said one of the elders, who went by the name of Sanhedros, we don’t have the proper footwear for that climb.
—Gideon may sell but G-d always provides, said Schmoses. Go see my cousin Gideon, the sneaker-maker, said Schmoses. He will take care of you, he added assuringly.

The following day the group came to the summit of Music Mountain. There they danced, sung, and played the lute in celebration. Music may be the food of life but it doesn’t substitute for a full stomach. The group was hungry, wobbly, and weak. After a while, the altitude was certainly beginning to affect them. Schmoses began pacing feverishly and ascended to even higher terrain where he looked down upon the rest of his group. Rays of sunlight broke through the clouds. Looking up at Schmoses from a vantage point amid the throng, the prophet appeared majestic and powerful. There was an aura all around him, backlit by the sun as he was, an orb behind his head, framing his countenance, lending an oracular quality to his stance in the scene. Quite suddenly, Schmoses multiplied. First he doubled. Then, he tripled. It was almost a home run. There were three of him. Could it be? In fact, it could. He could. It was a hologram, a magic triangle. This is the origin of the phrase: “From Schmoses to Schmoses, there was only one Schmoses.” First there was three points. Then, there was six points to the triangular superimposition. Holy Poly, don’t proceed beyond six points, the star of David hasn’t even been invented. We’re not ready to go full fractal yet.

They saw things up there on the mountain, the people uttered after the group had finally come down from their trip. They had some revelatory visions, they remarked. The world to come, the kingdom of Heaven, advanced plumbing! Schmoses, for his part, did not return from the ascent. He stayed. After all, there was a lot of thinking that needed to be done. He was ruminating to the same extent that many Jewish men do when they are trying to figure out how to square mounting invoices with inconvenient cash flow interruptions. There was a lot to think about. We’re talking revolutionary ideas that required age-old conundrums to be solved, like how do you create a nation out of a nation that came from within another nation? A new type of national identity needed to emerge. It’s not easy to convince New Yorkers that they are anything but New Yorkers but Schmoses needed to create a homeland on top of that. He had to convince his people that they were Jewish New Yorker’s within the United States but beyond that were an even larger nation still, knowing no physical boundaries. But if you know know no boundaries how can you create geographic borders? Side note: In Hebrew, Egypt i.e. Pharaoh Corp also means ‘limits’ or ‘boundaries,’ which is clever because that’s exactly what Schmoses’ people needed to transcend. Physical obstacles that needed to be spiritually overcome—a life test of our mental mettle. The Torah is like one of those 3-D pictures that were previously placed in shopping malls. The longer you look, the more you see.

Anyway, there is no doubt that G-d was with Schmoses and his people. They could feel the presence of G-d dwelling in their tents and around their encampments. For to observe Jewish law and customs is to create a singular dwelling place for G-d who is paradoxically everywhere at once, encompassing the macrocosm and the microcosm, the encyclopedic and the microscopic, the alphabetic and the esoteric. These were the concepts that Schmoses spent forty days contemplating up on Music Mountain. But while he was cogitating up in the clouds, there was trouble brewing down below. All of the fine jewellery, gold, silver, and precious stones that the Yids had escaped New York with, and some of which they expropriated from the offices and property of Pharaoh Corp, for G-d instructed them to plunder the property of the Pharaoh before they escaped, were melted down and used to create a terrible object, a golden calf— since when are cows un-kosher? The truth is that they settled on the calf as a third design. The first was a golden elephant and the second was a golden ass. But given the fact that two Jews will produce three opinions, they settled on the third possibility which was politically neutral, and appealed to everyone including hindus and buddhists. Unfortunately, all this happened under Aaron’s watch. Despite having the gift of gab and typically speaking for his brother Schmoses’ who suffered from a speech impediment called ‘catsgotyourtongue’ syndrome, Aaron was not nearly as strong a leader as Schmoses. You will often find that a true leader is one who assumes responsibility reluctantly, or has it foisted on them during extraordinary circumstances. Schmoses was always arguing with G-d and asking ‘why me’? The ‘why me’ leaders are usually the best ones, since those that seek power for power’s sake will absolutely be corrupted by it. G-d can peer into the heart of everyone and knows all its contents, that’s why he chose Schmoses to be the greatest prophet in history and thereby assist a mixed-up mass of tribes by turning them into a single powerhouse of a people.

Schmoses climbed down the mountain with two high-tech tablets in his hands, the kind of technology that is beyond the reach of current Science, or anything dreamed up in the Technion. But when he saw his people worshipping the golden calf as a kind of talisman created in the name of the Lord, Schmoses lost his temper. He destroyed the high-tech tablets that bore ten immutable and hacker-proof commands. These commands were not only a set of unassailable instructions they were ethical blueprints for a new society. Schmoses was so angry that he smashed the golden calf and adding injury to insult he forced its admires to ingest its golden dust, and that’s something only a certain resident of Mar-a-Lago might find palatable.
Schmoses once again sought solitude in the spiralling sediment. However, upon his return to the hilltop, a catastrophic fulgurance enveloped the peaks and pines of Music Mountain. It was if a gateway to another dimension had been cracked open. A ring of fire encircled the mountain and the adjacent shantytown that had been constructed in its general vicinity. It was a blazing circumcision of giant proportions if you’ll forgive the phallic comparison. A chain reaction had begun whose elements were entirely unpredictable. During the maelstrom, a six-dimensional portal was opened and Schmoses received a vision of the future. For those keeping track, the extra dimensions, number five and and six, allow for control of both space and time —Einstein be damned. The twelve permutations of the Lord’s name (the Tetragramatton) were multiplied across these six dimensions equating to the seventy- two supernal names of the Lord, which are the building blocks of the universe. It is said that a pillar of cloud that had led the tribes of Schmoses while they wandered in the deserted streets of Brooklyn now moved behind them, thus moving from front to back, weaving a smokey mesh that clouded everything. The vision that came to Schmoses was this—“Build it and they will come.” It was a vision of a temple, an institute of advanced learning and worship. It was a vision of an organization, a fully-conceived virtual ecosystem based in entirely on the original crypto-currency, MP-248 (mitzvah points-248), two-hundred and forty-eight being the number of positive mitzvot that every Jew should attempt carry out), which would fuel a new kind of spiritual economy. It was a vision of an organization, and what an organization it was. It was a network. It was a platform. It was Ten Commandments, a seven day work-week, a distribution of income, a division of labour and a timely schedule of ritual sacrifices. It was elegant. It was simple. It was brilliant. It was pretty, pretty, pretttttttyyyyyy good. As a matter of fact, the structure was so important, more ink is spent describing it than the whole chronicle of the exodus out of New York.

G-d gave Schmoses a new set of commandments. These ones were etched with laser- like precision into two marble slabs. There’s nothing like setting something important into stone. There were five commandments on each tablet. The first five balanced out the second five. Everything in Judaism is weighted and balanced against everything else, with no dishonest Schochet tipping the scales when you’re ordering your Saturday morning lox. In order for Schmoses to give his laws to the people, he would have to separate the good apples from the bad. Another brilliant solution was enacted. He drew a line in the sand and said you are either with me or against me.

—“Come forward if you recognize the Lord’s ingenious designs.”
—“Stay behind and be left behind in the dustbin of history.”

Those that knew what was good and what was good for them came forward and joined Schmoses, Aaron and Sephora. Those that didn’t come forward we’re expelled, ejected, and eviscerated. —After that short violent intermission, we are now proud to present you, our honoured guests with the Ten Commandments:

1. I am the L-rd your G-d, Who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
2. You shall have no other gods before Me. You shall not make for yourself a graven image, nor any manner of likeness of anything that is in heaven above, that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them, nor serve them. For I the L-rd your G-d am a jealous G-d, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children of the third and fourth generation of them that hate Me; and showing mercy unto the thousandth generation of them that love Me and keep My commandments.
3. You shall not take the name of the L-rd your G-d in vain; for the L-rd will not hold him guiltless that takes His name in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath Day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work; but the seventh day is a Sabbath unto the L-rd your G-d. On it you shall not do any manner of work—you, your son, your daughter, your man-servant, your maid-servant, your cattle, and your stranger that is within your gates. For in six days the L-rd made heaven and earth, the sea and all that in them is, and rested on the seventh day; wherefore the L-rd blessed the Sabbath Day, and hallowed it.
5. Honor your father and mother, so that your days may be long upon the land which the L-rd your G-d gives you.
6. You shall not murder.
7. You shall not commit adultery.
8. You shall not steal.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10. You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, his manservant, his maid-servant, his ox, his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.

    • Re: Passover Story (part 3) Redjeans, Fri Mar 26 20:29
      Before ground could be broken on the temple, exact instructions were given on the the dimensions of the rectangular enclosure that would store the newly-received covenant. After all, the written word ... more
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