Anonymous
Re: wiscousin
Thu Dec 19, 2019 15:18
99.224.136.132

THE DAVID COOPER SHOW

Season 1. Episode 1&2 ďEggshellsĒ Pt.1&2

INT. Davidís Bedroom - Saturday Morning

David is having a dream in which he is recording an episode of his show ďThis Is Going Well, I Think.Ē

We show a clip from the show intercut with David tossing and turning.

David wakes up with a start.

Miranda: Whatís the matter?
David: I was having this eerie dream where I was doing the show and no one was calling in and there was no one outside the window.
Miranda: So, basically every episode?
David: Yes, nothing out of the ordinary in that sense. I just kept waking up and I was still doing the show over and over againÖIt was horrible.
Miranda: Well, youíre not doing the show any more.
David: Arenít I?
Miranda: Wakey wakey,Ö (touching Davidís sceptre and jewels under the covers)
David: OuchÖYouíre pulling too hard.
Miranda: How about now?
David: Better, just be firm like a good handshake. I want to know youíre there just donít crush me.
Miranda: Please! I know your penis better than anyone. Iíll get it to stand up tall like a statue of Theodor Herzl.
David: Not better than me! Iím the worldís foremost expert on my penis.
Miranda: Howís thisÖ.? (Massaging David)
David: Itís going well, I think.
Miranda: With the exception of your mother, I might be one of the most knowledgeable people on your little mensch down there.
David: Little mensch? Youíve really been incorporating Yiddish into your vocabulary.
Miranda: Not bad for a shiksa, right?

(Ring, Ring, Ring)

David picks up his cellphone.

Carmen: Hi Sweetie. How are you?
David: Hi mother, we were just talking about you.
Carmen: Where are you?
David: Iím still in bed with Miranda.
Carmen: Oh, thatís wonderful.

Miranda starts touching David.

Miranda: (whispering) I know what Mr. Herzl likesÖ
David: Stop it.
Carmen: Stop what, honey?
David: Oh, Miranda is just making us some coffee and wouldnít you know, sheís making a mess.
Miranda: Yeah David. Itís really spilling all over the place (still rubbing David) Are you almost finished?
David: Yes, Yes, Iíll be right there. (annoyed)
Carmen: Did I catch you at a bad time?
David: No, your timing is always perfect. Whatís up?
Carmen: I really wish you had come home for the Seder this year. Everybody is going to be there. Johnny is bringing his dogs over and he even invited Caitlin to it.
David: My ex-wife is coming to our Seder?
Carmen: Sheís a lovely girl. We love her even more now that youíre divorced.
David: Well, if only you could have loved her while we were still married.
Carmen: Spilled milk, Iím afraid. Honey, I donít mean to bother you but your father was wondering if you could pay for his Lexus insurance this year.

David waives off Miranda. She stops.

David: Is dad having money problems again?
Carmen: No, itís fine. He just needs a little help. He made a few bad investments recently. The stock market is down, bonds are up or something like that.
David: Bad investments? I told him not to sink any more money into that Choo Choo Chuckieís idea.
Carmen: It sounded good, okay? Who wouldnít want to go to a restaurant and have your food delivered by a miniature train? Ö Whatís that? Youíre dad is saying something.

Mumbles off camera.ó(Davidís dad mumbling will be a recurring gag)

Carmen: He says there was a licensing issue with Thomas the Tank EngineÖI donít know.
David: Why canít Johnny help out too?
Carmen: Your brother has five dogs to feed. Itís expensive to feed dogs. You want his dogs to go hungry?
David: No, Iím just saying he should be helping our father too.
Carmen: Heís got dogs. Okay. Leave it alone. Talk to him about it. Anyways, I must go. Honey, Iíll wait for your e-transfer. Love you.

óThe phone hangs upÖ

David: Itís not enough that I live in San Francisco but Iíve got to pay for Choo Choo Chuckieís too?
Miranda: I liked Choo Choo Chuckies. I thought that was a winner.
David: Do you think our Menorah would sever my carotid artery?
Miranda: I donít like that talk. I was trying to make you happy and look what I get for it. Thatís one Mr. Herzl credit used up.
David: Why is life so difficult? Canít we just go back to bed?
Miranda: Címon, stop complaining or Iíll turn in that marker for an extra-long you-know-what session later.
David: (rubbing his jaw) No, anything except that. Iíll do anything.
Miranda: Weíve still got to buy supplies for tonight. Stop kvetching and get out of bed.
David: Kvetching. Nice.

Cut To:

Ext. David and Mirandaís apartment - Near Valencia StóSan Francisco

David and Miranda exit their apartment and no sooner do they step on to the street then a bike comes to a screech in front of them.

Female Messenger: Itís a bike lane dude. Get out of the way.
Miranda: Step aside, David.
David: We didnít see you. Sorry.
Female Messenger: SARRY? You mean SOHRY.
David: Iím Canadian. But I do support bike lanes and I do apologize for nearly getting run over by you...Over-apologizing is very Canadian.
Female Messenger: Itís a weekday. Do you not have jobs or is your job to prevent me from doing mine?
David: Itís a Jewish Holiday. Itís Passover.
Female Biker: Oh shit, I guess that explains it. Iím sorry for being bitchy. I actually love Jews.
David: Really? You want to come to our Seder tonight?
Miranda: David, stop it. Heís joking.
David: Iím not. Iíve never been more serious about anything in my life. We made good eye contact during that near collision.
Female Messenger: Uh, are you sure? I nearly ran you over. I feel like youíre putting me on.
David: Itís traditional to invite strangers to the seder and you seem really strangeÖBut I like you. Youíre got just the right level of hostility for me.
Female Messenger: Okay, well, if youíre serious, hereís my number. My name is Andrea. I can bring some extra food from work too.
David: Andrea, youíre going to love it. Sigmund Freud is coming. Einstein. Stephen Miller. All my favourite Jews.
Female Messenger: Youíre kind of triggering, you know that?
David: So Iíve been told.
Female Messenger: Well, I guess Iíll see you at the ďseder.Ē
David: I like your Feel the Bern pin by the way.
Female Messenger: Thanks! See you later!
David: Free Palestine!

The bike messenger speeds offÖ

David: Is Stephen Miller still coming to dinner tonight?
Miranda: Very funny.
David: I mean, the worst Jew is still better than a moderate gentile, right?
Miranda: Not true.
David: Its settled. He can skip dinner but heís welcome to come for dessert.

Cut to:

Int. Coffeeshop- later

David and Miranda walk into Starbucks and wait in line.

David: I kind of miss Toronto. It actually rained over there. People were polite. The streets were clean.
Miranda: The grass is always greener on the other side.
David: What do you think of grass?
Miranda: What do you mean?
David: I mean, why is there so much of it? Where did it come from? What it does it want?

óMiranda makes a face at David.

David ignores Miranda.

David: I really need to pee.
Miranda: You just went.
David: Itís a residual pee.
Miranda: Okay.

David walks toward the bathroom. There are three: one for men, one for women, and one that is gender neutral. A mother and her son are waiting at the doors of the womenís restroom. David sees this and tries to open the menís bathroom. Itís locked. He then tries to open the gender neutral bathroom. Itís also locked. He really needs to pee.

Jack (one of Davidís wacky guests comes out of the womenís bathroom)

Mother: Sir, we were waiting a really long time for you and youíre in the wrong bathroom.
Jack: Exqueezeme. Okay. Please adjust your attitude hashtag behindthetimes hashtag heteroprivilege.
Mother: You are clearly using the womenís bathroom and you arenít a woman.
Jack: Iím presenting as female today and who are you to tell me how I identify?
Mother: My son and
I shouldnít have to wait while you do your make-up.
Jack: Your son is in the womenís bathroom right now. Just please talk to the hand. I canít deal. I really canít deal right now.
Mother: Well, I canít go into the menís now can I?
David: Isnít this really a non-issue? Anyone can go into any bathroom nowadays as long as theyíve got some spunk.
Jack: Finally! Someone gets it.

Felicia, Jackís best friend walks out of the gender neutral bathroom.

David: Thereís really no difference between the bathrooms aside from cleanliness now is there? Youíve got really dirty, somewhat dirty and sparking clean.
Felicia: Exactly! Down with categories. Stop putting people in square boxes.
David: Vive le France! End gender oppression. Long live various levels of filth!

The mother and son go into the gender-neutral bathroom in a huff.

Jack: Whatís your name sailor?
David: David.
Jack: Daveed. That was hot.
Felicia: Yeah. Youíre our hero.
David: You guys know each other?
Felecia: Weíre like sisters from another mother. Canít you tell?
David: Youíre both hilarious. You should come on my radio show.
Jack: Umm...yes! I consent. Weíll come on as your guests. As long as you let us buy you a coffee.
Harvey Milk would be proud.
David: You guys want to come to my Seder?

Cut Toó

David ambles back to the front of the coffee shop where Miranda is already sitting. Jack and Felicia are in the deep background walking past.

He sits down at the table.

David: Well, I caused a little bit of a stir in front of the bathrooms (Proud).
Miranda: It wouldnít be the first time.
David: Would you be terribly upset if I invited a couple more people to our Seder?
Miranda: I guess thatís okay. Who are they?
David: There a nice pair I just met five minutes ago in front of the bathroom (meekly).
Miranda: Oy gevult David! If this Seder gets any more crowded it will be standing room only.

David gets a calló

David: Itís Dan Linley.
Miranda: Okay, take it. Iím just saying, no more seder-guests. I mean it. We cant afford all this gefilte fish.

David gets up from the table and walks outside the restaurant.

Dan: Hello sir! How are you today? Just wanted to wish you a peaceful pesach.
David: Very well, thanks and you? I didnít realize you knew Hebrew.
Dan: Wikipedia is a website I frequent. By the way, I noticed you posted a little Ďstoryí on the FB and there was even a private event page to go with it.
David: Dan, Iím having a little trouble hearing you, Dan? You there?

Dan Linley rounds in the corner and walks by David without realizing it.

Dan: Iím here. Iím here. I was just in the middle of sayingÖ
David: Dan! Hey Dan! Behind you.

Dan turns around.

David: Hey brother.
Dan: Goodmorgen, bestie.
David: Wow. Bestie? I wasnít sure you even liked me.
Dan: Soo, whatís this Passover extravaganza all about? You didnít think I was worthy to sit at your Seder table?
David: Iím kind of speechless actually. You were the first person we invited. There must have been some technical issue.

óDavid is lying but selling it well.

Dan: Really? Man, I feel like a dick. Iím sorry. Thatís really sweet of you.
David: Yeah, technology failed us. Well, are you still free?
Dan: Let me check my calendar (Dan does a double take at his phone and pushes a few buttons)Ö

There is a pregnant pause.

Dan: Iím just joshing you man. Of course Iím free.
David: It settled then. See you at 6?
Dan: You have to go?
David: Iím just having coffee with Miranda. Between you an me, sheís just a little testy. You know ďrelationshipĒ stuff.
Dan: Youíre not going to invite me in? Into the coffeeshop?
David: Oh, I just assumed you had plans for the rest of the day. You want to come in and say hi?
Dan: Of course I do. Ya big goof!

óDan opens the door to the coffee shop.

Dan: After you?
David: Uhh, thanks.

Dan: Hey Miranda!
Miranda: Hey Dan, how are you?

Hugs all around.

Dan: What a happy coincidence running into you two revelers!
David: Iíll say. What we were you doing in the neighborhood?
Dan: Thereís a tennis shop around the corner, I was just getting my racket tuned up.
David: Do you name your racquets? Or is that only something musicians do with their instruments?
Dan: My favorite racquet is named Esther and my other favorite racquet is named Mordechai. Which you might recognize from the Jewish story of Purim.
David: Pureem?
Dan: I believe itís pronounced ďPoor him.Ē
Miranda: WOW. You really know your stuff, Dan.
David: Pesach, Purim, Iím really impressed. I had no idea you were so knowledgeable about Jewish history.
Dan: Iíve got years of Catholic school under my belt, David.
David: Were the priests interested in what was under your belt too?
Miranda: David, please. That was a low blow.
Dan: Spare me your pedo puns.
Iíve heard em all. On a serious note, I wanted to discuss my new play with you.
David: Sure, whatís your play about?
Dan: Itís about a magical rotary phone that allows my central character to call his future 44 year-old self once a year on New Yearís eve.

ócut to David and Miranda sitting and listening in rapt attention

David: Okay...

Dan: His life slowly becomes ruined by these conversations. The play ends when the character turns 44 and picks up the phone and speaks to himself at 33.óEvery scene is set on New Yearís eve.

óóDan is waiting for approvaló

Miranda: That sounds amazing.
David: High-concept. Love it Dan.
Dan: My working title is Memory Phone.

David is underwhelmedó

David: Memory Phone? Well...itís just a working title, right.
Dan: What? You donít like it?
David: Umm...no, itís good, ha. I just think it sounds like Memory Foam.
Miranda: David!
Dan: David, no one is going to make that association. This play is about memory. Itís about my relationship with my father and the horrible decade of my life between my thirties and fourties. No one is going to be thinking about mattresses.
David: I still think it sounds very similar to memory foam.
Miranda: This is ridiculous. Dan wrote an amazing play and you are being negative.
David: Iím sticking to my guns here. I think you should change the title.
Dan: Not only will I not change the title. Iím now definitely calling it Memory Phone.
David: Think it over...
Dan: Despite how petty this sounds I want to teach you a lesson about how difficult it is to actually write something and put yourself out there.
David: What are you suggesting?
Dan: A little sporting wager. Why donít we choose a topic that we both have to write a creative piece about!?
David: Iím terrible at this sort of thing but Iíll indulge you because I feel like you are being too sensitive.
Miranda: Is this really necessary...what are you two going to write about?
Dan: Something perchance appropriate to your Seder soirťe? I couldnít possibly Passover this opportunity to see you with some metaphoric egg on your face. We could take it right off the Seder plate.

Dan motions to leave...

Bye for now l!(He giggles as he leaves the shop)

The door closes.

David: Well that was bizarre.
Miranda: You invited him to the Seder? You know how I feel about Dan, heís fine in small doses.

ó-David looks off camera nervously and then rustles up a smile for Miranda.

óCUT TOÖ

David and Miranda are leaving the grocery store with a handful of groceries in preparation for the Seder.

A young orthodox man approaches David

Mendel: Jewish? Are you Jewish?
David: Look at this eyeware and tell me Iím not.
Mendel: Whatís your name?
David: Iím David.
Mendel: Nice to meet you David,
Iím Mendel. Would you put on Teffilin? Itís a big mitzvah. You know itís Passover tonight.
David: Ordinarily I would Mendel but weíve got to get ready for the big night. The Chinese food wonít order itself, you know.
Mendel: What about your girlfriend? Your wife? Are you Jewish?
Miranda: No, Iím afraid not.
David: Weíre not married. I actually just got divorced.
Mendel: Sorry to hear that. Would you like some matzah for the Seder tonight?
David: Weíve got matzah right here in our grocery bag, Mendel. And if I eat any more Matzah you know I might not be able to you know...
Mendel: What?
David: You know what Iím talking about!
Mendel: No, Iím not sure I do.
David: Too much Matzah? ...(Digging)
The IBS? (Digging)

Trouble going No.2 ? (Digging)

  • wiscousin (nm) epecker, Wed Dec 18 20:52
    • Re: wiscousin Anonymous, Thu Dec 19 15:18
      • Re: wiscousin Anonymous, Thu Dec 19 15:22
        David: Are you sure youíre part of the tribe? Mendel: I donít know what youíre talking about but youíre a funny guy. You should come to Chabad sometime. Weíre close by. Weíre in the neighborhood.... more
        • Re: wiscousin Anonymous, Thu Dec 19 15:24
          Everyone is looking at each other like they donít know what is going on... David: Something is missing! Miranda: Just cut to the chase. David: The afikomon has been stolen! Miranda do we have... more
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